


Desolation tragedy, is there nothing good in me?

by yohdawn



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, F/F, War, eventual clexa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-03-18 00:21:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3549083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yohdawn/pseuds/yohdawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“The things that we've done to survive, they don’t define us” you remember yourself saying.<br/>“What if you’re wrong? What if this is who we are now?” you hear Finn’s voice.<br/>Maybe Finn was right. Maybe this is who you are now.</p>
<p>Clarke's mental instability after the fall of Mount Weather and later on, her confrontation with Lexa.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dream

_“We all are living in a dream_

_But life ain’t what it seems_

_Oh everything’s a mess”_

It is you. Washing your hands for the hundredth time in the river you’ve just stumbled upon. Your legs just gave out and you fell hard in front of the stream. The cold river may look clean and clear but it’s only a mere trick. You see blood, you see blood all over your rough and dirt soaked hands, you see blood travelling down the fast current, far away from you. As if your people’s blood hasn’t soaked these lands enough already… It is you, trying to pretend that everything is fine, shaking while at it, bent over the river, tears hitting the water surface as if it were raining. You are trying to erase all the dead people that inscribed themselves in the back of your eyelids. Children, innocent men, women. People who didn’t deserve the death that you’ve delivered. Quite willingly too. It is you, trying not to listen to all the voices that started speaking in your head all at once. Condemning, cursing, torturing. You can hear them all the time now, at nighttime it’s just ten times worse. You hear your voice among them, it’s the voice you hear the clearest. You immerse your head into the ice cold water and scream. You scream that you had no other choice; you scream that they wouldn’t have stopped no matter what. Ice cold water fills your lungs and you’re gasping for air while your whole body is burning. When you’re done, you just helplessly curl up into a ball on the grass beside the river. When night falls, the darkness engulfs and hugs you, crushing your bones, weighing you down, drowning you.  
You wake up at the same place sleep took over you last night. And it is you. Battling suicidal thoughts every day since you’ve left Camp Jaha. All those people have died and you’re still alive. Alive and breathing. Alive, breathing, mostly unscathed. How is that fair? You’re trying to clear the poisonous fog that is in your head but with no luck. The gun you carry is so heavy in your hands. It’s a metaphor as well; maybe all those lives you’ve taken are latching themselves onto the murder weapon. Maybe that’s why the burden as well as the object is so heavy. There are a couple of bullets left; maybe one should be used to end your sufferings? You lift your hand, your sky blue eyes still sleepy and you keep them closed. You put the gun to your head. The cold pistol digs into your temple and it’s so easy and so hard at the same time. You sit like this for a couple of minutes until you put your gun down next to you. No, you don’t want to die. But you don’t want to live either. You deserve to suffer really. And no, there is nothing to look forward to. At least not now, not while you’re in this state. You gather some woods and make a fire. Hope you catch on fire somehow.  
Bellamy wanted you to share the burden with him. He wanted for you to talk to him, to speak up, to say what’s on your mind after the incident. He wanted to be equally responsible for the deaths. But that’s not exactly the case. He pulled the lever because of Octavia, because his sister was in immediate danger. You pulled the lever because you didn’t want to see anyone else die. They were your people, each and every one of them. You pulled the lever together but of different reasons. Does it matter though? That changes nothing, absolutely nothing. The dead are gone and Bellamy wanted for you to mourn them, your people and the ones you took at Mount Weather. He wanted you to cry, to shout, to say something. But it is not for you to drown other people in your own sorrow. Not even Bellamy. This weight is yours to carry; you bear it so they don’t have to.  
You don’t know how many days you have spent wandering around the forests. You don’t know how far away from camp are you, you hope that quite far away. You know they will be looking for you.  
You have no idea how much time you’ve spent by the fire but when you look up, the sky is dark again. That’s how you spend most of your days, condemning yourself, wondering what could have been different. Something falls on the top of your head and when you touch it, you feel another couple of drops. Rain? Soon it starts pouring. You don’t move, you just sit silently and watch as the drops extinguish the already weak fire. The rain is warm and harsh, damping your hair and skin. But as the night comes, the voices are back again, worse than ever.  
The entire world screams your name and in this moment you wish you were deaf. It’s easy to cry in the rain.

* * *

 

You wake up again, a little grateful that you didn’t dream of faces of the dead. You don’t remember the last time you slept to be honest. You’re all soaked from the rain and shivering from the cold air of the morning. You’re always hoping you’ll die sometime soon. By not eating, from the cold of the night, sleep deprivation, sometimes you wish that you’d stumble upon something that might kill you, an animal of sorts, anything really.

“The things that we’ve done to survive, they don’t define us” you remember yourself saying.  
“What if you’re wrong? What if this is who we are now?” you hear Finn’s voice.  
Maybe Finn was right. Maybe this is who you are now.

As you stand up, you get ready to aimlessly wander for another day. You need movement, you don‘t even feel your legs when you‘re walking but still. Your eyes focus on the canopy of leaves, on the mossy trees, on the green grass and a dirt soaked ground. Your mind is empty when you walk, your mind is empty when the landscape changes.  
You find yourself near the dropship. This, this is where everything began. Your life on Earth, away from the Ark, away from your mother, away from the painful memories of your father. Away from civilization. You remember tears of blood. You remember how you’ve set 300 of Grounders on fire, their ashes scattered across the forest now.  
“You’re the one who burned 300 of my warriors alive” you hear her voice, reminding of what you’ve done. She wasn’t looking at you, busy playing with her dagger, sitting on the throne. She was trying to intimidate you. She knew war for much longer than you did.  
“You’re the one who sent them there to kill us” you said, not afraid of the Commander.  
You’ve killed so many people. Those Grounders, Finn, the peaceful villagers of TonDC, the Mountain Men. You saved your people but at what cost. Why is Earth so harsh? Why do we need to kill or be killed? You choke back the tears for the fallen. To make your hurt even bigger because you believe that you need to suffer for what you’ve done, you visit the grave of Wells. The person who let you hate him for something he didn’t do, the person who’d ask now “Clarke, what has happened to you?”, the person who was killed not because of his mistakes but of his father’s. He was your people and you couldn’t save him. Your eyes burn from all the tears that are streaming down your face.  
Again, you remember the Commander. You remember Lexa. You remember how she kissed you softly on the lips, her hand cupping your cheek, touching you as if to assure herself that you’re real and you’re really kissing her plump lips back. You remember how hollow her eyes were the last time you saw them, right before turning around and leaving you. “May we meet again”. You were angry, betrayed, sad, lost, hopeless. Kind of similar to the way you are now. Only now the anger has subsided because you did exactly what she had done. You chose your people. Maybe she even was more generous than you, she didn’t slaughter your people, she just abandoned them. It was you who slaughtered others for the sake of your people. You’re sad because you understand but still, that doesn’t mean that you’re ready to forgive. “May we meet again”. It’s hard to hate the person who may be the only one to understand you. It’s hard to forgive the person who is able to hurt you so badly. It’s hard to have these ambiguous feelings towards someone. You wonder what she’d say after you’ve told her everything that is on your mind. “May we meet again”.

* * *

  
The next day your wandering can’t be called aimless.


	2. Shots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Guys, thank you so much for all the follows and favorites, I hope to not let you down with my fic :)  
> This chapter is lighter compared to the previous one. I recently figured out how I want this story to unfold so bear with me.  
> Also, I'm sorry for all the mistakes, English is not my native language so I hope you understand.
> 
> As always, thank you for reading.

" _I'm sorry for everything, oh, everything I've done_

_From the second that I was born, it seems I had a loaded gun_

_And then I shot, shot, shot a hole through everything I loved"_

 

You remember her mentioning Polis, the capital of the Grounders. You remember how that city sounded like salvation to you, like the end of war, the end of death, the end of everything bad that happened until now. You remember her warm green eyes and a subtle smile setting into her lips. You remember how beautiful she was, her face in a dim light. You couldn't think past that day but you were getting hopeful. Because you knew, that one way or another, the war would end.

" _Polis will change the way you think about us"_  Lexa said warmly, gently, hopeful. Her previous sentence was testing the waters. She wanted for you to come with her.

" _You already have"_.

Once you've set out for the capital, you understand that you have no idea where it is, because Lexa never told you about the whereabouts of this mysterious city. No direction, nothing. But scattered Grounder camps help you in navigating a bit. You try not to show yourself to them, not quite sure where the alliance with the Grounders stands. Still, you're quite positive that they wouldn't attack; Lexa wouldn't let them, not after what she's done. She owes you that at least. While trying your best to evade the trained warriors near the camp for the third day, you understand that you're not stealthy enough. This Grounder spots you picking berries not so far from the camp fire. You thought you were quite far away from the excited voices, hunger torturing your stomach. Then you noticed something glistening in the sun and once you've come closer to the source, you saw a bush with blue berries growing on it. You had no idea if they were poisonous or not, nor did you care. Nobody would mourn you. While picking them, you forgot about everything around you. You haven't eaten in days and only now you've understood how hungry you really were, your stomach rumbling from the lack of food. You turn your head when you hear footsteps near you and see a Grounder warrior. You freeze, unsure of whether to draw your gun or to do nothing. But he just nods at you and that's it. You feel somewhat disappointed that he didn't slit your throat right there. You just weakly nod back and go your own way, back to your own little camp. You have nothing.

Sometimes you wake up and have no idea where you are. You feel the chill that spreads across your bones. Sometimes you have no idea what safety is. Does it matter? You realize that since you were jailed, you never really were safe. The Ark - you feared floating. The dropship – you feared Grounders. Camp Jaha – you feared the Mountain Men. The forest now – you fear every rustle of leafs. Safety is a long forgotten concept. You sleep with one eye open.

* * *

The berries were poisonous. After eating them for a couple of days and now shaking and sweating, you understand your mistake. It took you a while. Your body feels too heavy, you are dragging your feet, barely lifting them, stumbling on the roots of the trees. Still, you keep going forward. You close your eyes as you walk, the morning sun being too bright for your eyes right now, you are not able to bear the light source. It's about moving forward, there's nowhere else to go. There's nothing left to do.

"Just one foot after the other" you hear yourself murmur.

Your body shakes violently and you're unable to go on. You fall to your knees, your arms falling to your sides heavily. You want to get up, you want to go, to walk, to crawl but you can't move. As if you're paralyzed. Maybe you should give up? Put the bullet in your head and that's it? But you can't even lift your hand, your pulsing head falling to your heaving chest.

"Is this how it really ends?" you ask quite loudly. The important questions should always be asked loudly.

"Yes" the voices answer.

You're hallucinating now. Clearly seeing the burned faces of the Mountain Men, a hole in Dante Wallace's chest, a stab wound in Finn, the torn out limbs of people from TonDC. Even the dead have forsaken you. Your face touches the cool and damp forest floor and all the thoughts you had are lost forever.

* * *

Your lungs inhale sharply. Your eyes are still closed but you feel that something is different. The air around you is different; you can only barely smell the trees and grass. You slowly open your eyes and understand that you're not in the forest anymore, you're in a tent. A Grounder tent to be exact. You can feel soft furs beneath you and a warm blanket above you. Grounder scouts have probably found you, or maybe it was Grounders hunting for food. Either way, you were brought to camp. You don't feel as sick as you were, shaking only slightly though your head still heavy. You see a cup placed near the bed and you take a generous gulp of water. Just then you see Indra standing near the entrance of the tent, not too far away from your place of comfort.

"I see you're awake" Indra says without her usual bite.

You say nothing, just nod at her, mentally preparing yourself for the conversation with the general.

"Everyone heard about the fall of the mountain. Stories of Clarke of the Sky People will carry on for decades if not more".

"I did what I had to to save my people. That is all. I think you understand" your voice is hoarse from not speaking for a while and your words have a venomous sting in them.

"Then you understand why..." Indra averts your gaze.

"I do, I'm just not sure if I can forgive even if I understand why she did it" you say bitterly. "Is this Polis? Where are we?" you change the subject.

"No, but we are not too far away from Polis" Indra answers. "Commander wants to see you. She is worried" she says as a matter of fact.

You're not sure if you're ready to see her, to face her, to tell her what you think. But then you realize that we are never truly ready for anything and if we'd be, we wouldn't be ready for the way the things we face make us feel.  
"Of course" you say neutrally. Why would she even ask permission?

Indra is almost gone but then she turns around.

"I want to ask you, is Octavia and Lincoln alive?" the woman asks with worry evident in her voice but pretending to not care at all. You're not that easy to trick.

"They are" you answer. Indra wouldn't have chosen Octavia as her second if she didn't care about the girl. When Octavia was training under Indra's guidance, you saw how she looked at her, proud of having Octavia as her second, having someone to share her knowledge with, someone to teach.

"Good" Indra says while leaving and for a split second, you can see her smile to herself knowingly.

You wait for Lexa for quite some time but she doesn't come and you succumb to exhaustion and sleep takes over you again. You wake up a couple of hours later and peel your eyes open the second Lexa walks into the tent. You jump at the sudden sight of her. You feel glad and grateful and angry and hopeless and you have no idea how to address these feelings so you just sit up and stare at your legs which are covered by the warm fabric of the blanket.

"I do not mean you harm, Clarke" Lexa says. You close your eyes for a second, reveling into her saying your name, the way it sounds, the way it rolls of her tongue.

"The damage is already done" you reply coldly, staring at the blanket. It's true, the damage is colossal.

"Why are you here?" she asks suddenly, throwing you off balance.

You're puzzled; you did not walk in here on your own, not on your own two feet anyway.

"Why did you bring me here is the question" you say, slightly raising your chin, your eyes finding hers. Lexa looks tired, exhausted to be honest. Even more when she's free from her war paint. The dark circles under her eyes are disturbing, her skin is pale and her eyes look empty. As if the wild fire that was there was violently extinguished. And… she looks worried. "You should have left me to die. Wouldn't be the first time" you say through gritted teeth, trying not to let all the tears that formed in your eyes spill. You think back to the eyes that looked at you with care, smiled at you, showed strength. Now they're as hollow as the last time you saw them. You want to cry again, you realize that you haven't cried for a few days. You look up, stopping the salty drops from spilling down your cheeks. You can't cry. Not here, not now.

"I will not apologize for what I've done because that changes nothing. I am the Commander of my people, I can't endanger them by putting my feelings first. That's why I said I made the decision with my head, not my heart. That was then and this is now" she exhales quite loudly. "This is different and I will not let you die. Even if you hate me now" she finishes, looking away.

Silence creeps into the tent. You want to forget, you want to forgive but you can't. Not yet, not yet.

"I… I want to hate you; I want to hate you after you left me there. But I can't because I made the same decision. I'm even worse to be honest. You just… left. And I, I killed everyone there. Even the ones who helped us, even the children. The person I hate the most… is me" you say as you look into your hands, seeing blood again. Everything is painted red.

Lexa doesn't say anything for a couple of minutes, then she carefully comes closer and sits at the foot of the bed you're lying in. Her movement is unsure, careful.

"Leaders have to make tough decisions. I know for certain, that if there was a different way, you would have found it" Lexa tries. "The dead are gone, Clarke. And life doesn't stop because of that. Hard choices always have an effect on us, don't let it linger, don't let it weigh you down" she says softly, tilting her head to look at you. In this moment you understand that she's broken as well.

"I feel like a smashed mirror. I feel sad and angry and tired but at the same time, I feel so empty. When I broke down, pieces of me were scattered along the way. Most of the shards of the person I once was are long gone" you look at her as you say.

Lexa takes in every word you say, measuring the weight of it, probably feeling pity for you, for what you've become. But maybe not, maybe she's lost herself too. There are so many obstacles to get over, trust to regain.

"Then you have to replace the lost pieces with new ones" she says calmly. "Take some time and rest. If you want to, you can stay here. We leave camp in three days. You can leave it too and go back, or you can go with me to Polis" Lexa states as she gets up. Only now do you notice that she's without her usual armor, dressed much simpler.

You think about it. You think about what you've said, what she said. You think about what needs to be said. Maybe not today and not tomorrow but still. You need to think some more. You notice that Lexa turns to leave.

"Thank you" it's barely audible, you have no idea if she heard you or not.

"You should rest, Clarke" she says as she leaves the tent.


	3. There's nothing left to say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I had some inspiration and some time.
> 
> Thank you for reading!

" _Who knows what's right?_

_The lines keep getting thinner_

_My age has never made me wise_

_But I keep pushing on and on and on and on"_

 

You woke quite late in the afternoon. It seems the poison affected you more than you thought. While sleeping you felt cold hands on your forehead, probably the healer, Nyko checking if you're not burning up. You would occasionally wake up to drink the water, which was filled anew every time you drank it. You stare at the ceiling of the tent, at the fabric above your head. Should you stay? You don't want to give her the wrong impression that she's forgiven. But at the same time, you wanted to see her, she was your destination. You thought that when you'd meet her, she'd be stoic, strict, stripped of all the basic human emotions because she saw no wrong in what she did. Because her people always come first. But what you saw this morning was a tired young girl who saw too many deaths and was faced with incredibly tough decisions. And you knew that she let you see her like this; that she put down her guard a bit so you could see that it was difficult for her too. She let you see that she is crumbling as well.

She walks into the tent minutes later, her forehead glistening with sweat and hands sheathing away the sword. Back from training or hunting probably.

   "How do you feel, Clarke?" Lexa asks. "It was not wise to eat the berries you know nothing about. It could have ended badly".

   "Again with the lectures" you roll your eyes. "Besides, I was hungry, I haven't eaten in days".

   "Are you hungry now?" she walks up to you, standing near the bed of furs, looking down at you. Her face is clean of war paint and she looks so much younger without it.

   "A bit. But I don't need you to babysit me, I'll get some food myself" you say as you look at her furrowed brows. She's not happy with your answer.

   "Clarke…" she growls.

   "No".

   "You're still too weak, you need to rest and I will not allow you to venture into the wild" Lexa snarls.

   "I'm not yours to command, I am not your people. I am nothing to you" you say coldly. Maybe too cold. But she's not your commander and she's not forgiven yet. You need more time.

You try to get up, wincing a bit, your body feeling like not your own, painfully numb but you're determined. You have to show that maybe you are broken and fraying edges but your determination is something else entirely. You will not succumb to conformity. You take a few steps, then inhale deeply, a sign that you're ready to go.

   "I am going with you" Lexa says and before you're able to protest she adds "You don't know these woods very well. Also, I will show you how to distinguish poisonous berries from eatable ones".

You're standing really close. Lexa was never the one to know what personal space is. You liked that, you always found her presence comforting. But not now. You still see blood on her face and death and you move past her. That's why you need more time. In the sense of forgetting certain memories. In the sense of making new ones, happier ones, comforting ones and ones, that aren't related to crimson blood, bone marrow and death and screaming. You hear her turn and you walk through the tent, getting outside for the first time since you've arrived here.

* * *

   "When did you find me?" you ask, minding your step and looking back at camp once.

   "My scouts have found you at night. They thought you were dead at first" she says leading the way, not glancing back.

   "Maybe that would have been better" you say quite loudly but Lexa ignores your words.

   "They didn't recognize you at first. They had no idea why would you be so far from your camp. But then they saw your pale cheeks and blue lips and brought you here. Nyko said that you probably ate poisonous berries" after the words she stops quite suddenly.

   "What?" you say, taken aback by the lack of movement and almost walking into her.

   "I really thought you have died. Or were going to die. You looked pretty badly" Lexa turns to face you.

   "Like you care". The venom is back. You don't know why but it comes automatically now. Like a switch turning on. She puts up her stoic mask as a defensive mechanism; the venom in your words is yours now.  
"I have already told you this, Clarke" Lexa shakes her head and looks down at the fallen leaves. "But I do care".

You don't say anything, not a word. Lexa turns her back to you and continues to follow the path that is barely visible, barely there.

* * *

   "This shrub is not woody, leafs are of different shape than that one over there. The berries are therefore poisonous" Lexa says as if it's the easiest thing to discern almost identical shrubs.

   "I don't really see much of a difference" you say, confused.

   "This" she points to the poisonous plant "This shrub has long thin leafs. The one with the good berries has leafs of a tree" she explains.

   "Now I see the difference". You really do.

The Commander smiles. You don't remember the last time you saw her smile genuinely, but it's amazing. It's warm and comforting and you forget that she's a leader of thousands of people. You realize that she doesn't smile enough. You hope that one day, she might smile more, she might be allowed to smile more. Maybe even now, the war has ended, has it not? Yet she still looks tense, you wonder if there's something else, some other threat to her and her people.

   "We should get back" Lexa breaks the silence. "It is getting dark and you still need rest".

   "I feel fine" you state stubbornly.

   "The poisonous berries have a long lasting effect, I would not want you to wander while it may still affect you" she says.

   "Ok" you give up because you do feel drowsy and tired. "We can go back".

You still feel a bit hungry even after eating the berries but you don't want to overwork your stomach. Also, you feel tired and sleepy so it's really best you'd go back to camp while the sun hasn't set. Lexa leads the way again and you wonder how much territory does she know by heart. It seems that she knows every tree, every shrub. And you're really far away from TonDC or camp Jaha. Did she spend so much time in this vast territory to know every turn, every step, every hill? You will ask her one day. But now you walk in comfortable silence.

Suddenly your head starts spinning and you stumble on a root of a tree, nearly falling. Lexa turns back to see what happened and she looks at you with worry in her eyes.

   "Clarke?".  
   "I'm fine, I just didn't see where I was going" you lie. You don't want to worry her.

   "Are you certain?" she's concerned.

   "Yeah" you say, suddenly not even having the energy to speak. Your mouth goes dry in seconds.

You take a couple of steps towards her but your legs give out and your head slips into unconsciousness.

   "Clarke!" you hear her yell before everything goes black.

* * *

You wake up on the bed of furs again and you feel eyes on you. Nyko gives you a cup with water and you thank him.

   "You should have rested, Clarke of the Sky people" Nyko says while shaking his head slightly. " _Heda_  is not amused".

Lexa is probably angry. No, you're certain that she's very angry. She's very well pissed off. You'd want to avoid her but that's not possible.

   "Thank you for everything" you say gratefully and he bows his head and exits the tent. After a couple of seconds, Lexa is sitting on the bed of furs, looking at you like she might strangle you. You wouldn't mind if she did.

   "I told you that you needed to rest, Clarke. But you didn't listen". Oh yeah, she's angry alright.

   "I am not dead" you hear yourself say. She looks at you with a look that might kill and you gulp.

   "Mockery is not a product of a strong mind, Clarke. I thought I would not need to remind you that" Lexa says irritated.

   "Will you stop with all the bullshit?" you snap.

   "What?"

   "Nonsense. Will you stop with the nonsense" you look right into her eyes.

Lexa doesn't say anything for a while. You both just stare at each other.

   "I know that you are angry at me and you haven't forgiven. Maybe you never will. I don't know why you're here but I don't want you anywhere else. I do care about you but you won't let me" she says finally.

You're shocked. You hear sincerity in her words.

   "I just, I just don't trust you. And I'm self-destructive. I believe that I am worthy of all these bad things that keep happening to me. That I killed so many innocent people and now they're dead and gone and I'm still here" you spit out.

   "It is done. You cannot change the things that have happened. And by punishing yourself for the choices that you have made does not make you feel better" Lexa says, carefully putting her hand on yours, you squeeze her fingers. "You may be well, no fractured bones or wounds but it did have a negative effect on you".

   "Sometimes I wish I didn't feel at all" bitterness clear in your voice.

   "We are only human".

   "So why don't you let yourself be human as well?" you're tired but you ask.

   "I do. When I am with you" she pulls her hand away and stands up. "But I can't let feelings cloud my judgement, I can't be seen weak by my people; I have to set an example".

You just yawn in reply.

   "Sleep now. But I would like you to join me in the 12 clan meeting tomorrow morning".

   "Isn't the alliance between us broken? When you betrayed us and all" you see her look elsewhere at the mention of the word.

   "I didn't tell the other clan leaders that. They would have killed you and your people if they ever saw you".

You remember the Grounder that saw you eating berries, how he just nodded and walked away. You guess you're somewhat thankful to Lexa.

   "I will join you" another yawn escapes your mouth. And you close your eyes.

   "Get some sleep. I will come for you in the morning" Lexa says near the entrance to the tent.

   "Lexa? How did I get here?" you ponder.

   "I carried you here" she answers almost shyly.

   "Thank you. Goodnight" you say, trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in, trying to hide a blush blossoming in your cheeks. A couple of minutes pass and you're almost asleep.

You hear feet near you and Lexa adjusts the blanket you're under.

   "You are my people, Clarke" Lexa says quite sure that you've already fallen asleep, sure that you're not able to hear her voice. You hear her steps getting quieter.

You smile a bit and fall into a dreamless world of sleep.

* * *

   "The Coalition is not needed anymore. The Mountain Men have been defeated" the leader of the Water clan looks at you, a tall man with hair lighter than most of the Grounders. "Clarke of the Sky people has defeated the mountain".

   "Shouldn't the Coalition become even stronger now that the common enemy was defeated?" Lexa says. "Should we not work together to get rid of the presence of the mountain by working together?".

   "I agree with the Commander" says Luna of the Boat people, a woman only a couple of years older than you.

   "Me too" you say, taking a step closer to the war table in the center of the huge tent. "We should work together, not split up only because the Mountain was defeated".

Lexa looks at you, nodding. You both understand that it's better for the Coalition not to fall, having allies and the ability to trade and travel freely. Most of the clan leaders are nodding, except the messenger of the Ice Nation and the leader of the Water people.

   "The Coalition makes us strong. We have resources, we're allies, we share those resources, we share knowledge and we share the same desire for peace" says the leader of the Mountain people, a strong muscular man with a shaved and tattooed head. You like him for the way he talks.

You see the messenger of the Ice Nation shake his head vigorously. His presence is unnerving.

   "I do not want to offend  _Heda_ , but we didn't want to be allies with the Woods clan. We joined the Coalition only because of the Mountain. We have all the resources that we need and our Queen is a suitable leader, we don't need to share that with others. Even if the Coalition is not broken down, we, the people of the Ice Nation, withdraw from it" the messenger says looking straight at Lexa, slightly mocking her.

Everyone looks shocked because this changes everything. Everyone looks shocked except for her.

   "We withdraw as well" the Water clan leader says, crossing his arms on his chest.

   "What of others?" Lexa says calmly, while searching faces of the other clan leaders. "No one?" she asks.

No one says a word, glancing at each other. They are afraid of her, you see fear in their eyes.

   "Fine" Lexa exhales. "The former Coalition is broken as of now. The Water people and the Ice Nation from now on are not in for trade and training. The others may trade among themselves freely. I will send my messengers to accompany every leader and by nightfall I want them back with an official treaty that says if the people can travel freely to certain territories. That is all for now".

Everyone leaves the Commander's tent but you linger, sensing that she needs your presence. You watch as Lexa's head hangs down to her chest, eyes closed, both of her hands on the war table, grasping the maps laid upon there. She looks defeated.

   "I had hoped it wouldn't come to this" you hear her whisper.

   "But the status with most of the clans hasn't changed. They are still our allies of some sort" you try.

"That is true, Clarke. But if we were attacked, they are in no obligation to help. Our only real allies are probably Luna's clan and the Mountain people" she looks tired though the day has only just begun. She has much to do and you curse at everything that heavies the burden on her shoulders.

* * *

The day is uneventful. You spend most of it wandering around camp, looking at the Grounders training, helping women with the food preparations, aiding Nyko in treating wounded warriors. Everywhere you go, you are looked upon with respect and admiration. It all feels weird to you.

You're in her tent again in the evening, discussing possible tactics and strategies. Lexa is telling you about all the clans, her clan's history with them, their resources, strengths and weaknesses.

   " _Heda_!" you hear someone shout from the outside. You both look at each other puzzled and go outside, to see what the commotion is about.

One of the warriors holds a box and then puts it down in front of her. Everyone looks terrified. You look at her and her face freezes for a moment before slipping into her usual stoic and indifferent mask.

   "Indra, fetch all of my trusted generals and come to my tent for a meeting. NOW!" Lexa yells and Indra bows her head and disappears. Lexa storms back into the tent.

You don't need to open the box to know that there's a head of the messenger Lexa sent to the Ice Nation.


	4. Monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hope you like it :)

_“If I told you what I was,_

_Would you turn your back on me?_

_And if I seem dangerous,_

_Would you be scared?_

_I get the feeling just because_

_Everything I touch isn't dark enough_

_If this problem lies in me”_

 

Sometimes you just can’t take it. Sometimes it’s just too much. You hear them, you hear the dead chanting your name. You hear your name being said over and over again, it never stops. You try to accept what you’ve done. Like Lexa said, you should live with your decisions. Decisions you were forced to make. Decisions to kill and kill until there was no one left. Anger rises up in you. Why do leaders have such burdens? Why are you responsible for the lives of others? The history books on the Ark wrote about leaders and the World Wars they waged. The leaders argued but the ones sent to die in war were their people. People who didn’t want to involve themselves in affairs like that. But they didn’t have a choice. Those people were taught to worship their leaders, listen to them and die for them. It’s just that by the looks of it, the higher-ups didn’t feel the remorse for millions dying. And you…you wouldn’t have been able to take it. Few hundred broke you down irreparably, you’re barely functioning. Millions would have shattered you completely. Those few hundred always come back when you close your eyes and sleep takes over. Their burned from radiation faces circle around you and don’t let you escape. The dead have not yet found peace and they won’t let you either. All you’ve been doing since the fall of the Mountain was trying to sleep, trying not to cry every day, trying not to put a bullet in your head or jump into a lake and drown. Some days are more difficult than others.

   “I just wanted to learn about the world” you hear a little boy’s voice.

   “I wanted to live happily with my husband” a middle-aged woman cries.

   “We belonged on the ground” Cage whispers.

   “I bear it so they don’t have to” Dante says silently, his chest bleeding.

All of their lives were extinguished abruptly. You did it. You had no choice, you tell this over and over again. Still, the reasons don’t change the facts. They’re all dead. They’re all dead by your hand, the one that pulled that lever.

   “Clarke!” you hear a voice. The delinquents? People from the Ark, camp Jaha? The Grounders? The dead?

   “Clarke” someone calls out again. Who is this?

Suddenly, you snap wide awake and look around to see that you’re in your tent, on the bed of furs, safe. You’re far away from the mountain and you left camp Jaha. You’re in the middle of nowhere trying to cope with what you’ve done. You feel cold sweat on your forehead, the shirt clings to your body. You’re in a Grounder camp; you’re with the people that tried to kill you numerous times. You came here to see the Commander, who betrayed you and left you for dead. She betrayed you after she kissed you and left you breathless.

   “Clarke!” the voice is a bit louder and you finally manage to open your eyes fully and stare at its source. Sleepy blue meet concerned green. Even in the dark you know who it is. You hate it, you hate that when her look is directed at you, it is mostly worry, pity or concern. You hate being a burden, you hate being a mess. But that is probably the sole reason why you came to her. She can handle you, others couldn’t.

   “What happened?” you say groggily, still half asleep and looking around the dark tent, trying to understand what time it is.

   “I sent you to sleep because you were weary from everything that happened. Then when the meeting with my generals came to an end, I was passing by your tent and heard you screaming” she breathes. Lexa looks worn out, tired, small.

   “I’m-, I’m sorry” you whisper, tightly shutting your eyes again. It’s so frustrating.

   “Do not apologize for what you cannot control, Clarke” her voice is soft and soothing. Her voice is so powerful, you rarely realize it. When she’s talking to you, it is mostly softness and concern and when she’s talking to her warriors or generals, it’s mostly power and authority. You open your eyes again and look up at her. She’s dressed the same as earlier but now her arms are limp and her legs tremble a bit from exhaustion. Her eyes are sleepy and tired. Still, you can’t help to think that she’s breathtaking. She’s so beautiful and so young and your heart aches for the both of you. For all the things you’ve done and will do.

   “I have nightmares. I see the dead, I see their faces, I hear their voices” you’re shaking now. “I just want this to stop”. Silence falls. She doesn’t say anything, just looks at you as if you’re going to break any second. Maybe she could pick you back together again.

After a few minutes Lexa comes closer and carefully sits on the edge of your bed. She’s taken a habit of it. After a few moments of silence you both hear the pitter patter. The rain drops echo throughout the tent and become louder. Outside it starts to pour. Lexa says nothing even when she carefully wipes the tears that are flowing; you didn’t even notice them. Her touch is gentle and her hand is warm, soothing. She cups your cheek hesitantly, still unsure of how to act around you, still unsure of whether you’ll ever give her forgiveness. In your head, you promise to think more about it.

   “The sky cries with you, Clarke” she breathes, then shakes her head slightly. “You need to be strong, there is no other way. The dead are gone. Your body and your mind need to rest. Tomorrow is a different day” she says as she pulls away and stands up, ready to go.

   “Stay” you grab her wrist and blurt out. You don’t care about hatred or anger, or forgiveness or anything like that for now. You don’t care about the blood on your hands and her face. You don’t care how your heart beats faster when you see her but your mind condemns her actions. You just want her to stay. Betrayal did strain your relationship but you would be lying if you said that you don’t feel anything towards her or don’t care about her because you wouldn’t have kissed her back then. Lexa is probably the only person who doesn’t judge, who understands. You need her. You need her in every way possible and she gives herself to you. You’re just not sure if it’s because she feels guilty or there is something else involved.

 Her face is turned away from you at the moment so you have no idea what she’s thinking about. You slowly let go of her and she inhales deeply, wondering whether to stay or go. But then Lexa turns around and silently lifts the blanket and you scoot over to make her some space. She gets into the bed and turns to you. The makeshift bed is small and too narrow for two people but you don’t care. Her eyes are calm and composed and are laced with something that you can’t recall. You can’t help but cling to her, your hands finding their way around her neck, careful not to get tangled in her many braids. She understands it. She is willing to give you comfort. Her warm hands hesitantly find your waist and you’re cheek to cheek now.

Seconds before sleep takes over you, you hear her murmur sadly into your golden hair “I have them too. All the time”. You just embrace her tighter and you both fall asleep to the sound of rain.

* * *

 

   “Clarke, wake up” Lexa whispers not too loudly.

You know that it’s quite early but you wonder how she’s up already. But she is the Commander. She probably never sleeps a lot. You notice the dark circles under her eyes when she’s not wearing war paint and that only confirms your thoughts. You sit up in the empty bed and rub your eyes carefully, still not awake. You never were a morning person.

   “We are going away. We have no time to waste. Get dressed” she looks at you while standing in the middle of the tent, her full Commander attire ready. War paint on her face hides the signs of sleep deprivation. The tent is too dark and you struggle to understand how is it morning already.

You groan but manage to detangle yourself from the furs and get out of the bed. Lexa’s eyes widen and she looks to the side of the tent, away from you. Of course, you’re only in your shirt and boxer briefs. You dress while Lexa turns her back to you. For some reason it makes you smile a little. The Commander does have integrity.

   “It’s because of the threat, right?” you ask as you button up your pants and throw on your leather jacket.

   “Yes. I called for a secret meeting for the clans that can be trusted” you hear her say. She exhales. “I do not want another war, Clarke. I do not want for my people to die, they have suffered enough as it is” she states sadly. You’re taken aback a bit. You always thought that Lexa wages wars with no questions in her mind, simply because she must, because she has to survive.

   “I always thought that you embraced war” you come closer to her, her back still turned to you and you put your hand on her shoulder.

   “War is all I have known. We have been at war all my life, whether it was with the other clans, you or the Mountain Men. But I don’t want to fight more than necessary, I do not want more of my people to die” her voice is silent. You remember how you’re just children with heavy burdens on your shoulders. Children that had to grow up really fast because their lives were at stake. Children who don’t want to lose their people and brush with death again.

   “I know” you can’t come up with anything else to say so you just squeeze her shoulder. Even if you can’t see her face, you know that she is probably smiling. That small, genuine smile that is mostly reserved for you. You think that smile is the only thing that keeps you sane now.

   “Come now, Clarke. We have a long trip ahead of us”.

You both walk out into the commotion of the morning camp. The warriors are training sword fighting, dagger throwing, the women are gathering food and no one speaks a word. The sky is dark grey and you already feel that something is not right. The air is different, you can taste the blood that is about to be spilled.

* * *

 

“Where are we going?” you quietly ask Indra, who rides beside you. You’ve been on the road for hours. Your legs hurt because you’re not used to travelling on a horse for so long. But it is better than travelling on foot, faster too.

“We are going to the village close to Polis” Indra says looking ahead; hand on her sword hilt, ready to fight at any moment given.

About 15 people in total have mounted their horses and rode out through the gate with you. Lexa probably told the others warriors to scatter; small groups are not as easy to notice as the large ones. You ride with Lexa, Indra, a handful of warriors and your newly appointed guards. Before going out, a large man came up to you and put something cold in your palm. You were confused only to look down and see bullets. You thanked him and he nodded and left to help other warriors prepare. You were given a horse and told to follow the others.

  “Why are we not going to Polis then?” you don’t understand. “Is that not your capital?”.

   “Polis is the first place they would look, Sky Princess. Commander doesn’t want to compromise the city” the woman looks at you. “Besides, we have not heard from Polis in days, we are afraid that the enemy is already there and taken the city”.

You look ahead and see Lexa talking with the warrior beside her. Her stoic mask is there, talking tactics and weapons and training. You begin to think that the Commander and Lexa are two different people somehow intertwined together.

  “Isn’t it dangerous? If we’re seen near Polis won’t they strike for certain?” you ask Indra, still unsure of this whole thing.

   “The village is small and not known to the enemy, it is cleverly disguised in the forest. If they are already in the city, they won’t know we are also near Polis. That way we can gather information and plan our next move” the general exhales. “Commander knows what she is doing”.

  “I never doubted that” you say, swallowing hard.

   “The Commander did not make that choice easily” Indra speaks after a while. “I have never seen her eyes so empty when she realized what she’s been offered. She never intended to abandon the Sky People”.

   “Sometimes intentions are not everything” the words leave your mouth. “I believe that sometimes, certain situations make us become something we are not. But Lincoln once told me that ‘ _We all have monsters inside of us. And we’re all responsible for what happens when we let it out_ ‘” you remember his quote.

Indra just says nothing. She knows what you mean, you‘re positive.

Suddenly Lexa, who was in front of the group comes to a halt and raises her hand for the others behind her to stop and listen. She looks troubled and motions for the two warriors to go forward and check the environment. Without word they dismount horses and grab their daggers, silently walking into the direction the Commander pointed. The air is thick and heavy with silence and you remember that bad feeling you had in the morning and it makes you dizzy. You hear a buzz and the arrow hits the first Grounder, then the second.

   “Scatter!” you hear Lexa yell. She then hurriedly turns to the group. “You” she points to the guards and some other warriors “You protect Clarke. Listen to her at all times”.

   “I think it would be best for you to go east. We’d surround them” Indra says quickly wile dismounting the horse. You and the others do the same as you stand in a small circle and plan what to do.

   “Indra, you take half the men and go west. She points to the ones left “ _Y_ _u march kom me_ (you march with me)”.

   “ _Sha, Heda_ (yes, Commander)” the men say as they take out their weapons, their stances indicating that they are ready to follow.

   “Clarke” Lexa turns her head to you. “Wait here for a while, then go west after Indra” she says as she unsheathes her sword, ready for battle.

   “But what about you?” you’re puzzled. “Shouldn’t you take more warriors with you?”.

   “I will be fine, Clarke of the Sky People” she says stoically while looking at you. But her eyes betray her as you look her in the face, seeing softness meant only for you. Her eyes are pleading for you to stay, to listen. You just give her a small nod and say nothing. She nods at everyone else and suddenly it’s only you and the warriors meant to guard you.

You do as she says, you wait. You empty your pocket and fill the pistol with bullets. The Grounder warriors sneak glances. You haven’t used this in a while but it will certainly come in handy if you’re attacked. While the Grounders carefully investigate their surroundings not too far from you, you sit on the mossy log and wait for their reports. You feel uneasy; there is a lump in the back of your throat. Something feels very wrong, you just don’t know what.

   “It is clear, Sky Princess” the Grounder warrior with the thick beard says as he comes up near you.

  “Do you think we should move?” you ask once everyone is back.

   “I believe we should wait a bit longer before following the general” a young but strong guard says.

  “What if they are in need of our help? I think we’ve waited enough” you stand up. “Let’s go”. The men nod and surround you as you silently sneak through the forest. You are not sure where are you going or even if you’re going to the right direction but the warrior in front of you is good at navigating around the forest and you soon hear the sounds of angry screams and the collisions of swords. Your small group now runs towards the other Grounders. Some of the Grounder warriors are dead and the others are trying to fend of a larger number of attackers. You roughly count about 30 of them. This is not good.

   “Go help them!” you say to the men and some of them run towards the enemies, grazing them with their swords, swinging bare knuckles and axes and other weapons. It soon becomes a massacre as the trained Grounders rip apart the enemy.

   “Where is the Commander?” you hear Indra ask of one of the warriors from Lexa’s group who has just joined them in the battle.

   “Is she not here?” the words send a shiver down your spine. You freeze for the moment.

   “Have you abandoned _Heda_? Indra screams angrily as she pierces through one of the attackers with her sword, hands, face and torso bloody from fighting.

   “No, the Commander told us to split up into two groups” the warrior yells as he throws a dagger at the enemy, stabbing him and pinning to the nearby tree. Dead.

One attacker runs towards you but the guard interferes and he manages to grab your guard by the back, but you swiftly turn around and hold up the heavy gun. The enemy shields himself with the body of your guard who tries to break free as you search for a weak spot. You notice how his leg is unprotected and you fire a bullet right through it. The guard swiftly turns and twists the attacker’s neck and you hear a loud snap. Once the enemies are dealt with, the survivors go after the warrior who has been with Lexa and is now leading the group. Your heart is beating so hard you can swear that everyone around you can hear it. The hands gripping your pistol are shaking, barely able to hold the heavy weapon. The Grounder with the thick beard stops and touches the ground. You can see his hand coated in crimson blood, the question is, whose is it?

* * *

 

After some time of wandering through the forest, you noticed the blood puddles on the ground being thicker, bigger. You were getting closer.

   “Eyes sharp” Indra commanded.

Minutes later you walked into a little plain shaped like a circle. Your breath hitched and you thought you were going to throw up. The ground was red from the blood, numerous bodies lying around. There were maybe 40 bodies there, mixed with the dead Grounder warriors that were accompanying Lexa. Carefully taking each step towards the plain, your eyes frantically looked around but you saw nothing, no movement. But when you looked ahead, you noticed her. Lexa was sitting on the ground, sword in her hand, her back leaning on the tree trunk behind her. You took a few steps forward and when you saw it; your legs gave out completely. Her beautiful eyes were closed; face pale in contrast with her war paint, a small smile playing on her lips, her clothes soaked with dirt and blood.

Everything fell apart when you saw the single arrow embedded in her chest, near her heart. Lexa was not moving.

* * *

 

Sometimes the people who make us strong are the ones who break us the easiest.


	5. Round and round

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I am sorry I haven't updated in a while, I was very busy. But here you go, decided to update on my birthday. Hope you enjoy it :)

_„Round and round_

_I won’t run away this time_

_Till you show me what this life is for_

_Round and round_

_I’m not gonna let you change my mind_

_Till you show me what this life is for“_

   „No!” you scream loudly as the adrenaline rushes through your veins, making it possible for you to stand and run towards her unmoving body. „No, no no...” you fall to your knees again and clutch at her blood soaked shirt. Lexa is cold and pale and it all seems a bit surreal to you because this _can’t_ be happening. _“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly”._ You remember reading this quote in one of the books up on the Ark; you remember how you loved the quote, repeating it over and over again in your head and quoting it to everyone you knew. You always found it very distant and melancholic, wishing to never apply it in real life, to never taste such sadness. But this is exactly how you feel now and you dread this moment...

The worn out from battle warriors all come closer and after observing the situation, faces frozen and shoulders stiff, they fall to their knees behind you, honoring the fallen Commander. Except Indra, she stands in one spot behind the grieving warriors who are now staring at the ground. She is seemingly rooted to the spot, staring at the ground as well, not able to move, not able to speak. Silence is heavy but you break it.

   “Please don’t” you fight back tears forming in the corners of your eyes, holding your head higher so that they won’t spill. “I haven’t forgiven you yet…” you muster under your shaky breath, turning your burning eyes to her and cupping her cold cheek. This is not real. This _shouldn’t_ be real. But the Earth is cruel and unforgiving; you’ve learned that very well the first day you came here. Suddenly, you feel faint pressure on your right wrist, on the hand that is currently cradling the seemingly dead Commander.

   “You can still… hate me… when my spirit… leaves for another…Commander” you hear a slight whisper and your whole body freezes when you hear her voice. Lexa’s eyes are still closed but she is smirking lightly. Was the smirk present on her face before? Maybe you’re hallucinating?

   “Le-Lexa?” you stutter. Your mind is a mess; you don’t know what’s going on. Maybe this was the last body in the invisible body count and you broke down, not able to take it anymore. Maybe you’re imagining her voice now, maybe you’ve gone insane. That wouldn’t be a surprise.

   “Do not cry… Clarke of the… Sky People. I am not… worthy of your tears” Lexa mumbles, her cold hand around your wrist tightens a bit, clutching at your jumping pulse point. She opens her eyes briefly to smile that rare and honest smile that is reserved only for you and you can’t take it. All of this is too much.

   “Shut up” the tears spill down your cheeks, your lips taste the saltiness of despair in the teardrops. “Don’t you dare say that. I need your spirit to stay where it is, remember?” you’re out of breath.

   “Do not... fear death, Clarke” Lexa’s hand falls hard to her side and panic settles into your stomach, you think you’re going to pass out. Her eyes are closed now and it’s as if she stopped breathing. No, you can’t lose her, you can’t, there is so much left to say and do. You both need serenity, you need to work this out because you just can’t physically carry this hate and regret and guilt anymore.

   “She’s alive!” you turn your head back to the warriors and Indra’s head snaps in your direction. “Barely, we need to do something” you yell desperately. The Grounders quickly get up to their feet and rush forward, Indra reaching you first and eyeing the Commander and her injuries.

   “Will she make it?” the woman asks, concerned. Indra rarely shows care or even voices concern but when she does, it’s apparent.

   “She has lost a lot of blood, I don’t know if the arrow has grazed any of her vital organs. If we don’t start doing something, she will surely die” you say, words caught up in your throat because you just refuse to imagine Lexa dead. No, you won’t let her die. Not until you are breathing.

   “The Commander always trying to be brave” Indra mocks Lexa and it’s something very new to you. You know it’s a certain state of panic, shock; Indra doesn’t let it show how worried and scared for the girl she is. “Look where it got you” she finishes bitterly, looking at the bleeding Lexa.

   “ _Shof op_ , Indra” you both hear and you would laugh if the situation was different and lighter, but now you bite your lip and look over to Indra. The woman then swiftly turns on her heels and faces the warriors left. All of them listen intently.

   “Go! Get Nyko and get him to the location as fast as possible” Indra yells at one of the warriors. “We need all the help we can get” the woman then nods and the warrior is off to the place where you left your horses, and then to the Grounder camp. You fear it‘s not fast enough. You fear he won’t make it in time or Nyko won’t make it in time and she will bleed out. You realize that really, she can die any second.

   “How far is the location?” you ask Indra, turning your head to the barely breathing Commander. You stare at Lexa and it hurts so much just to look at her because she looks so frail and fragile and too young to command an army and make life-changing decisions. Her breaths are shallow and barely there. The arrow is still in her chest but you can’t break it off because she will start bleeding even more and you can’t afford that now, not without some sort of remedy.

   “It’s not that far from here” Indra says, scanning the both of you, thinking intently about what to do. “Go get the horses!” she commands the others. The men disappear and soon return without a word.

   “We need to pull her on the horse” you say and the Grounders are instantly by your side, carefully lifting Lexa onto a horse. Lexa hisses and pain is apparent in her face even though her eyes are still shut, but she says nothing. She probably has no energy left to say anything. You think there might be broken ribs by the way Lexa’s face strains as she turns a bit. Indra mounts the horse Lexa is on and carefully holds her up so she doesn’t fall.

   “I will take her with me, you do not possess the strength to hold her like this” at any other time you would argue but you just nod because Indra is right. “Warriors, take the _Skai Prissa_ to the village as fast as you can, she’s a healer. The Commander’s life depends on it” she says and then she’s off, riding through the thick forest. Soon they vanish from sight.

You’re shaking because it’s all too much to take in but you mount the horse swiftly and follow the Grounders to the unknown village without words. You hope you’ll be able to save her. You hope you’re not too late.

* * *

 

The village is so small; you now know why the enemy would miss it. The place reminds you of a jungle you saw in the books, there are plants and greens and huge leafs and everything just camouflages the location perfectly. There are maybe only 4 little wooden huts standing in a circle, in the center there is a fireplace, all looks abandoned. Probably this village was used to gather information from what was happening in Polis or to get away from the city’s noises. Maybe it was used by Grounders for travels, as a location to rest a bit before resuming to wherever they were going. Everything looks abandoned but on a closer look, everything looks tidy, looks neat. Someone must come here from the city to clean up, to stock on food and water. You break out of your trance while eyeing the village when you hear steps, Indra coming out of one of the huts and motioning you to it. You dismount the horse and give the rein to the guard. You step into a wooden hut and see that Lexa is on a large bed, the dark circles under her eyes seem even deeper now that she’s pale as a sheet of paper. You can’t help but wonder what’s more shocking – seeing a real bed in so long or the blueness of her lips.

   “What do you require?” Indra asks, standing in the corner of a hut, near a small stool. You hear shouts from the outside as the warriors gather wood for the fire.

   “A lot of cloths, boiled water and some sort of salve for the wounds” you say as you take off your leather jacket and put it on the stool. “Nyko might be better at it but I still need to make sure she’ll live” Indra walks back through the door and you can hear her barking orders at the warriors in Trigedasleng.

You wash your hands in a basin, so thoughtfully put near the bed. You try not to shake, you will probably need to stitch her and you need stable hands. The Grounders provide you with everything you asked for. You take a deep breath and close your eyes for a second, trying to compose, to calm yourself.

   “Clarke” you hear Lexa say, voice hoarse from not speaking for a while.

   “Yes?” you’re alarmed by how weak and tired her voice is.

   “You should have left me” is all that she can say. What the hell?

   “Will you shut up?” you yell at her. “I’m not taking orders from you, meaning I do as I please”. You’re pissed off but Lexa just smiles weakly and says nothing. You slowly start taking her armor off as carefully as you can, not to hurt her even more. You look at her body, scattered and bruised and you try not to cry again. The dirt and blood have mixed on her pale skin. She’s only in a black tank top and you carefully lift it up to see purple bruises, entire galaxies on her ribs.

“Your hands are cold” Lexa manages to say as you check her ribs, finding 5 of them broken. It’s not pretty but it’s going to heal in some time. Then you focus your attention on the arrow in her chest. You bend down a little to listen to her breathe and painfully understand that the arrow missed her heart but her right lung is punctured. You take a knife and gently slice the shirt and slowly peel it off of her. Lexa hisses because the dried blood has attached itself to her skin and it’s painful, especially around the wound. All she’s left in is some kind of black binder around her chest.

   “This is going to hurt” your voice breaks as your hands strongly grip the arrow. You need to break it off, to take the arrow out; you just don’t know how you’ll manage to stop the bleeding because there will be lots of crimson blood.

   “It is fine” the Commander whispers sleepily. You don’t know who she is trying to convince, herself or you but it’s not working either way.

You snap the arrow in half and her body jerks at the pain, but she says nothing as she relaxes back into the bed. You gingerly turn her body and very cautiously take out the arrow. She doesn’t even flinch. Maybe Lexa is used to this? Maybe she’s used to all the cuts and swords and arrows and death? Her blood is now everywhere and you try your best to stop the bleeding. She flinches a couple of times during your attempts. It’s difficult and nerve-wracking but you try until you succeed, your hands covered in her blood, sticky and wet. But there’s no time to rest as you take the clean cloth and wash off the dried blood and dirt. Lexa asks for water and you give her a glass which she drinks greedily. She looks a bit better but that doesn’t mean she’s not in danger anymore. Death can be tricky. The Commander sits up in the bed, careful, trying not to lean on the wound in her back too much. Without words she motions for you to come closer and you grab the needle by your side and you sew her broken pieces and her wounded flesh together. You sew together the hole in her chest, the hole in her back. Lexa says nothing; as if she’s not even feeling the needle pierce her skin, not even fazed by it. You just think how terrifying it is for such a young girl to know physical pain to the point of not feeling it anymore. You take the salve which was probably made right here with the herbs around the village and apply it to her wounds, rubbing it into her soft yet cold skin. One of your guards comes up with a tray of food and quietly leaves it near the door. You and Lexa eat in silence for a while. Darkness falls soon after.

   “You have a punctured lung, minor bruises, a few cuts, five broken ribs” you say as it gets darker and darker in the hut. The guard thoughtfully brings a lamp and leaves you two alone with a nod from the Commander. You hear the door open again and you think that maybe he forgot something but it’s Nyko and he looks at the two of you with eyes wide open, probably expecting Lexa to be dead by now.

   “I will leave you” you say giving him a small and reassuring but tired smile. You need some air so you step out into the darkness of the village, seeing dim lights in each hut, area lightened by a small fire in the center. Indra comes out of one of the shacks and spots you right away, coming closer. You then weakly nod to the hut that Lexa is in and murmur “Nyko” and Indra goes to see them. You just stand in the middle of the small village near the fire and you feel as if you’re suffocating. What if she died? What is she dies? What would you do? What will you do? What _are_ you doing?

   “The Commander has asked for you” you unexpectedly hear Nyko’s voice and turn around to see his large figure.

   “How is she?” you barely manage to ask. You’re afraid of the answer, you’re afraid of what the experienced healer has to say.

   “She’s strong, she will live” you let out a breath you didn’t you know were holding. “Still, this is the closest to death I have seen her and believe me; I saw a lot of her getting hurt”.

   “I wasn’t really sure what to do…” you trail off, not confident if you actually helped.

   “You did well, Clarke of the Sky People” Nyko says proudly. “You should rest too” he says, patting your shoulder as he goes to one of the huts. You meet Indra at the threshold and she stops there for a second, she doesn’t say anything, but her look is full of gratitude and you understand, even if the words are never spoken. You carefully close the door and turn to Lexa, who is still sitting up in the bed. You take the stool and sit near her, neither of you saying anything.

   “Thank you, Clarke” Lexa breaks the silence first, looking right at you. Her voice is stronger, firmer which is a good sign.

   “Don’t ever do that” you say, not meeting her eyes and averting her gaze. “You could have died”.

   “We were attacked, Clarke. I did what I must” Lexa’s voice is hard and heavy. “I did not know there would be an ambush, nor did I know the number of the enemy”. You finally manage to look her in the eyes and her look softens a bit.

   “Still, you could’ve called us” you don’t give up. “You could have led them to us; we could have taken them out together”.

   “I did not want to put you in danger, Clarke” it is Lexa’s turn to avoid your gaze, her stoic mask is breaking and you feel warm inside. Something you haven’t felt in a while. “Can I ask for something?”.

   “What is it?” you ask.

   “Don’t leave” the Commander breathes out and a small smile seeps into your lips. You silently blow out the lamp and the small hut turns entirely dark. You crawl into the bed with her and curl into her side, trying not to touch her broken ribs.

   “Goodnight” sleep creeps up on you.

Sometimes you forget about hatred and guilt and anguish.

* * *

 

   “How long will we stay here?” you ask Indra one early morning. It’s been about a week since you got here and though you feel grateful that there is at least a bit of peace for your mind, you can’t help but realize that this won’t last for long. There are threats, and dangerous ones.

   “A few more days” Indra says while looking at the fire in front of her, sitting on a log, skinning some animals. “We have watched Polis carefully; I think the city is uncompromised but we have to be sure”.

   “Do we have people in the city that provide us with the information?” your voice is hoarse.

   “We do, we can rely on them. We still have to check the city, maybe there are spies of the Ice Nation” the woman puts down the bloody blade and sighs loudly.

   “Tell me about the Ice Nation” you don’t turn your head to look at her, staring intensely at the fire.

   “They are the most brutal clan in the whole Coalition” Indra starts. “They also seem to be the most ungrateful if they renounced their alliance and defied the Commander” she spits with venom.

   “Why did they do that?” you can’t seem to understand. “Do they want war? Do they want more dead bodies?” the rhetorical questions pile up.

   “The _Trikru_ and the Ice Nation have been at war since I was a child and even before that. It was strange enough that they agreed on the alliance with us in the first place. My guess is that our people did something to them or the opposite. Either way, no one has forgotten, no one has forgiven”.

   “Did you know Costia?” your question is sudden and with a corner of your eye you see that she gives you a strange look before continuing.

   “I have never seen the Commander so happy. I do not think I have ever seen anyone that happy” Indra recalls nostalgically. “And I have never seen someone grieve so much. Our people, the war has taught them that it is necessary to grieve the fallen, for they have given their lives to secure the other. We grieve but we don’t linger. The Commander was young when she lost her, it broke her” Indra concludes.

   “So she wasn’t..?” you trail off but the warrior seems to understand your inquiry.

   “No, she wasn’t like this before. But the weight of being the Commander and the price of it has made her this way. Leaders are the most vulnerable, Clarke of the Sky People. Their loved ones are easy targets because they do the most damage” Indra says standing up, cleaning her torso from the mess.

   “Thank you for sharing this with me” you look up at her, making sure that her share of the story is appreciated.

   “I will not lie, I did not like you at first and I wanted to kill you” her gaze softens a bit, almost invisible but you notice. “But I took a liking to you, _Skai Prissa_. You have earned your respect. Your actions talk for you” Indra then nods and walks to her hut, ready to prepare the animals for dinner.

You sit around the warm fire for a bit longer, contemplating everything you’ve heard. The possibility of going to war with the Ice Nation is unsettling. If it’s been present for many years, there will be no peace until one of the clan falls. Both have done terrible things but you can’t help and think how Lexa doesn’t let revenge get the better of her. Even after Costia was killed, she didn’t get personal and go persecute them, she united the clans for the common enemy. She is the Commander but she probably never made a choice regarding her own personal feelings. That is one sad life and even if being the Commander is an honor and it gives greatness and such, it is not worth it. Sometimes you wish that you weren’t leaders of your people, sometimes you wish you both could act selfishly.

But you can’t. You leave the fire and go to your shared hut.

* * *

 

She looks better, her face has more color to it, her ribs are healing but she still has a problem breathing. You worry; you worry all the time because what if you got ambushed again? She wouldn’t stand a chance with all of her injuries and you’d probably all be slaughtered.

   “Clarke” you hear her call you.

Lexa is sitting in the bed, looking over numerous maps splayed on the sheets. She’s been at it for days, never properly resting. When you complain, she just says that she needs to oversee everything.

    “You won’t heal if you don’t rest” you say tired. The village is small but there is so much to do. Skin the animals the warriors bring from their hunting trips, change Lexa’s bandages and check her wounds with Nyko, discuss the information gathered with Lexa and Indra. You’re all over the place all the time. You want to be productive, you don’t want to sit in one spot and do nothing if you’re able to help. You avoid her. Maybe it’s because you don’t want to be stuck with the Commander one on one, maybe because it breaks you a little every time you see her pained eyes when she moves, maybe because you have to hate her but you don’t.

   “I’m fine” Lexa is still looking at the maps, ignoring your presence. You come closer.

   “Will you stop with the bullshit?” you’re annoyed. “You almost died, you can barely breathe and you won’t rest to feel better”.

   “What is your problem?” she asks coldly, now fully looking at you while you stand in the corner of the wooden hut.

   “My problem is that I hate you” you shake your head, words merely a whisper. Her gaze is unreadable but you see slight hurt behind it. “Or at least I should, I want to… but I can’t. I have to hate you, why can’t I do that?”.

Lexa says nothing for a couple of minutes and then you sit on the stool near her side of the bed. You spent a lot of time like this before, checking up if she’s not bleeding, if she’s breathing, if she’s sleeping, sometimes falling asleep like that.

   “I have already told you my opinion” she says simply, dropping her gaze at the maps again. “I will not repeat myself. If you want to hate, you can do that, I am worth it. If you want to leave, you can go. But don’t put all of the weight on me, Clarke. I can take it, but don’t think I’m not affected by it. I might be the Commander but I’m also human” Lexa finishes, her words icy cold.

   “I…” your mind is blank. She is right, you’ve been blaming her for something _you_ have done and still she put up with it. You blame yourself only to blame her because it’s easy. It’s easy to blame someone else for your doings and you realize that you don’t want to live like this, your guilt does not interfere with your living life, they co-exist. Because maybe you did not make the right decision in the sense of morality by pulling that lever, but you made the right decision by saving your people. You did what was necessary to survive because survival is the most primal instinct of them all. You _know_ there was no other way and yet you still let regret and guilt linger. Mostly because you think you deserve it, you deserve the pain. But you crumble, the weight is too heavy.

   “I will share your burden if you want me to, Clarke” Lexa reads your mind as she puts the maps aside carefully and pats on the sheets, waiting for you to come over. And you do.

   “I’m sorry” and your sobs erupt like a volcano. Every negativity pours out of you. “I’m sorry” you repeat over and over again.

Lexa wraps her arms around you, holding you tightly and you could fight, you could protest and you could scream but you’re too tired of doing that. You need closure and her strong arms give you that. You hold her like there’s no tomorrow. But maybe there is. Tomorrow will be better, you’re certain. The sun illuminates her face and you hide your tear stained face in the crook of her neck as she softly kisses your temple.

Maybe you can let yourself be selfish sometimes.


	6. Release

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for not updating for a while, I was extremely busy. I still hope you're into this little story of mine :) I also hope I'll be able to update sooner so yeah. Enjoy!

_“But I'll take your word_

_Cause after all you've never lied_

_Oh not at all_

_But look at me_

_Oh what a mess_

_I get caught up in the things that matter least_

_Oh let me have release”_

 

The days pass quickly. It all feels like a haze, days filled with peace and calmness. You know it has to end at one point. Indra comes one evening, only to find Lexa sitting on the bed in the pale light of the lamp, telling you about Polis, about its markets, houses, people. She looks so full of life, her eyes shine when she recalls the stands full of foods, weapons and jewelry. Her voice is energetic as she tells you about the people of Polis and their everyday chores. You like the peacefulness of the hut, the way time seems to freeze in this small village, but you can’t wait to see Polis. For yourself, and for Lexa.

   “We leave shortly” Indra stands tall at the threshold of the wooden hut you’ve gotten used to. There are maps spread around the bed, as usual. Maybe that’s why Lexa is such a good commander. She thinks and she thinks, making up new strategies and tactics, going over the old ones, trying to oversee everything possible. You find a new kind of respect for her. Lexa looks at Indra for a second, before motioning to the stool near her bed and Indra obliges. She silently sits and waits for the Commander to speak.

   “Is everything ready, Indra?” Lexa asks, finally turning her head to the trusted general, giving her attention.

   “Everything we might need is packed, the warriors are ready for your orders” Indra says in a tired voice. It’s late and everyone is sleepy but there’s a long journey ahead of you.

   “Why are we arriving at night?” you ask the both of them suddenly. “Isn’t it dangerous to travel at night? Lexa still has a shortage of breath after training. What if we get attacked again?” you turn your head to the Commander, your look concerned. You’re afraid, you’re afraid that when you’ll leave this hut, real life will hit you square in the face. And you’ve been running from that, avoiding it. Lexa frowns a little at your statement while Indra’s lips turn into a knowing smile.

   “It is dangerous to travel at night but also, only a few of our people will know when we will arrive. Mostly the guards near the gate of the city” Indra explains to you simply.

   “So that means there will likely be a lesser chance for an ambush. And people will know we’re in the city only at daybreak” you finally understand the secrecy of travelling to the Grounder capital at night. “Yes, that sounds like a smart plan” you conclude smiling.

   “And the Commander shouldn’t run off to battle even if we get attacked” Indra laughs a little as she scolds Lexa. You find it funny how she is the only person that can mock Lexa without the girl threatening to kill her. There is an interesting dynamic between the two of them, a mutual respect and a relationship you’ve never seen before. Sometimes you feel like an intruder.

   “I am not weak and if there will be a battle, I will not run away in any circumstance” Lexa says surely, a bit of sadness coloring her words. She’s told you, how she feels weak because she can’t fight with her full potential, how she tires quickly. It is because of her people, because she wants to protect them, to protect you.

   “No one says you are weak” you look Lexa in the eyes, trying to make her understand that it’s only how she perceives herself at the moment. Her lips quirk up a bit and her features soften. “But there’s no need to go head in first”.

   “ _Skai prisa_ is right. Even if this is not an army, these men will protect you with their lives” Indra slowly stands up and turns to the heavy door. “Meet us outside when you’re both ready” the woman nods and leaves the hut, stepping into the darkness.

You and Lexa are quiet for a while, shuffling in the hut, packing your small belongings. You help her put her armor on, never speaking a word. You find yourself excited, first time in a while. Lexa has told you about Polis so much and you can’t wait to see what makes the Commander’s eyes shine so much, you want to see the city and people not soaked in blood and as far away from death as possible. When you’re ready, you extinguish the small lamp in the room and as the darkness engulfs it, you leave the peace that was the hut.  You step outside and you see the warriors and the horses ready. Nyko nods at you and you do the same. No one says a word.

   “Polis awaits” Lexa whispers as everyone mounts their horses, preparing for the long trip. You yawn and mount the horse as well.

* * *

 

You’ve read about horses on the Ark. You saw pictures and you never imagined you’ll get to see or even ride one. The first time you saw a horse was on the bridge, when Anya came to negotiate. After that, horses became your favorite animals. They were strong, captivating, useful and beautiful. And at this moment, you are glad you’re travelling with horses; you’d probably stumble and fall in the dark for too many times. Also, you’d get tired fast. That’s another thing you like about horses, how they look tireless. They truly are divine creatures.

The forest is so dark you see nothing. Only when the moon shines through the trees you see the faces of others, or rather make them out in the moonlight. You’re not sure if this is such a great idea after all, because if you get attacked, you’ll be killed in seconds. You can’t see anything and it would be a pain if you had to aim your gun at someone. But Lexa is the Commander, meaning she knows what she’s doing. You’re quite sure of that. She wants to avoid fighting as well, for many reasons. You ride quietly and think about her, riding somewhere not far away. How she would train with her warriors, sweat dripping from her forehead. How she would hide her shortage of breath afterwards because she is not fully healed yet. How you’d sleep curled at her side, Lexa’s fingers barely grazing yours. How your own fingers linger on her skin while helping her with her armor. You’re both dancing towards something here and it’s needed but also terrifying. And there’s so much death and blood around you, you’re not sure you’ll ever be able just to forget who you are and let it go, to just be. Not when there are so many threats around you.

You take a break every now and then, dismounting the horses to walk around a bit, to stretch your stiff legs. The Grounders eat to replenish energy; all of you take sips of water to keep hydrated. Then you’re back on the horses, going forward into the night, towards the promised city.

   “Are we close?” you ask after what seems like eternity. You can smell the early morning air and it’s not as dark as it was a couple of hours ago, when you started your journey. Dawn breaks little by little as the darkness dissipates.

   “We are, we will be near the gates soon, Clarke” you hear Lexa’s voice somewhere not too far away, in front of you.

You want to ask more questions but decide not to bother her; she probably has a lot of things on her mind right now anyway.

* * *

 

You can see it. You can see the tall walls and the huge wooden gate; you can see the intricate carvings. The walls are made of enormous tree branches that intertwine and make up for an impenetrable fortress. You can see it from afar and the city calls you, whispers your name, wants you to come closer. You’ve left your horses farther away from the city, as in to be quieter, to draw less attention. You’ve’ walked for about half an hour now. As you come closer to the gate, your small group rearranges itself. No one says anything, only Lexa nods and two Grounders, your guards, take place beside you. You’re captivated by it. By the huge tallness of the wall, by the cravings on the gate, by the way branches intertwine together. There was a lot of thought put into it, of securing this city from anyone meaning to do harm to its citizens. You hear nothing, you feel like you’ve been hypnotized and it’s true, you have never seen anything like it. But just as you come closer to the city gate to admire the size of it all, you hear swords being silently unsheathed, prepared for something you have no idea of.

   “Something is wrong” Indra says, crouching out in the open near the entrance of the gate. Lexa just looks at her and the dagger is ready in her hands at once. Everyone else is prepared for whatever danger is lurking nearby. You carefully draw out you gun, hands shaking a little bit.

   “The gate should not be empty. Where are the guards?” Lexa asks Indra while gripping the dagger tighter. Both of them turn to the group of warriors and you, pointing forward.

   “Even if it is night, the city is too quiet” says the guard on your left, shaking his head slightly.

All of you carefully come closer to the gate. You find no one there, no guards, no enemies, nothing. As if everyone disappeared into thin air.

   “ _Hir_ ” you hear as your pistol grows heavy in your hands. You have a bad, ominous feeling. The air is thick and Indra looks at all of you. The woman stops in her feet and turns on her heels to you.

   “I know that voice” she says and you carefully follow her steps towards the source of the voice, a bit relieved that it’s not the enemy. After a few minutes you see a trail of blood and you see a Grounder warrior near the trees, leaning on the branch wall. Your stomach flips at the sight of blood. Memories reappear and you do your best to stuff them down.

   “ _Em ste the guard_ (it is the guard)” Lexa yells as she runs towards him. You do the same. “What happened?” she asks him softly and you carefully put away your gun and kneel down to check on his wounds. The guard is strong and muscular but has been stabbed too many times, he lost too much blood. You stare at him, at his blood soaked clothes, bloody sword in his hand. There’s blood everywhere and you try your best to pass out right now. You compose yourself and understand, that there’s nothing you can do for him, not anymore. You close your burning eyes for a second before looking up at Lexa. You shake your head and stare at her, defeated. Her jaw visibly clenches and her eyes become as cold as ice in a second. Maybe Lexa doesn’t show it very well, but you know that she values every single one of her men. Losing her people devastates her, even if it doesn’t look that way. Lexa closes her eyes too, letting herself be human if only for a second and then it’s gone. You find it sad. Sad, that even in situations like this, she has to put on a mask.

   “We were attacked by the Ice Nation, _Heda_ ” he whispers, dried blood on his chapped lips and Lexa kneels by his side as well. To be closer, to listen more intently, to provide comfort to the dying man. “We were attacked only a couple of hours ago. They’ve taken the city”.

   “They knew we were coming” Indra whispers through gritted teeth.

   “As soon as I heard the attack, I told the people of Polis to run. Some of them managed to get away” the guard says proudly, coughing up blood. “At least some lives have been saved”.

   “What about the warriors?” Nyko asks. “What about the other guards?”. You all know what happened to them, you just want to hear it.

   “Dead. All dead. Killed by the enemy, we were outnumbered” he says now with his eyes closed, his breathing is slowing down.

   “You did well” Lexa says and you can’t even recognize her voice at the moment. You can see from her eyes that she’s badly shaken but her physique doesn’t show it. The guard lies unmoving and you clench your fists because death never leaves, not even for a while. “ _Yu gonplei ste odon_ ” Lexa says as she stands up and looks at everyone present.

   “What do we do now?” your voice is tired. Everyone is tired but you can’t let your guard down, you never know how many of them might be outside the city, scouting, searching for the ones that ran away.

   “We find a safe spot in the forest, farther from the city. We rest and sleep and then we return to the village and the huts” Lexa leads her way and no one has the energy to protest because everyone is drained physically and emotionally. Also, no one can come up with a better plan. The city has been taken, people have been killed and you have nowhere to go. You think that you’ll see the city one day, but it won’t be the same. And Lexa’s eyes probably won’t shine when she sees it too.

Everyone is silent on their way back to the horses and you notice how little the Grounders speak in general. They speak only when needed, same with Lexa. No one ever says what they don’t mean to; they’re considerate of their words. You wish you were more like that. You wish you were less emotional, more rational. Maybe you wouldn’t get hurt as much then.

You put your head on her shoulder at the camp you’ve set not too far from the spot you left your horses. A small fire burns as the Grounders make plans in Trigedasleng. You try to make out the plans, you want to know what your next move will be but you’re too tired to try to understand a language you don’t speak. You fall asleep soon, your head on Lexa’s skinny yet muscular shoulder.

Things never go the way we want them to.

* * *

 

The travel back to the village was silent. You have lost yourself thinking about the things Lexa told you about Polis. You look at her now, shoulders hunched and her head down on her chest. You know that Lexa is thinking about the same things as you.

   “You would have liked Polis” you hear Nyko’s voice right beside you, on your left. You understand that he’s trying his best.

   “From what I’ve heard, Polis sounds amazing” you give him a small smile.

   “I can’t believe they knew we were coming” Indra takes place on your right. You look up at Lexa who is riding in front with a couple of warriors. Your guards are right behind you. “I was told the city was clear from the enemy”.

   “They were” you say with a dry voice. “They attacked right before we arrived”.

   “Indra, do you think there might be a traitor inside the city walls?” Nyko asks seriously, yet trying to keep his voice down so that only the two of you will hear him.

   “Given the circumstance, I think there is” Indra replies quietly. She looks down at her lap. “I was afraid of this”.

   “But we don’t know that for sure” you say, trying to not think about betrayals and such.

   “No, we don’t. But it is quite likely” the general concludes.

You take your time to look at Lexa again and all you can see is her face right before her own betrayal, before her leaving you for dead. You shake your head vigorously, trying to erase that memory, to lock it away, to forget it. Moving on is the only option, what’s done is done. Nyko looks at you carefully.

   “ _Skai prisa_ , are you alright?” his voice is concerned.

   “I’m fine” you try to sound as convincing as possible and you’re not sure if Nyko bought it, but he doesn’t question you further.

The rest of the journey is a blur because of the tears in the corners of your eyes.

* * *

 

   “I don’t know how they found out we were travelling to Polis” Lexa says. “Was it scouts? Traitors?  They are not stupid; they might have known we will go there. But I don’t know for sure and now my warriors are dead, my capitol is taken and the enemy is supplied”. Lexa paces in the room, back and forth and you think you’ve never seen her so nervous. She looks pale, the dark circles under her eyes make her look like a walking corpse and you know she’s not been sleeping. You know that once you go to bed, after some time Lexa sneaks out somewhere. She barely eats too.

   “You couldn’t have known” you try to calm down her fraying nerves.

   “I _should_ have known. I’m the Commander” Lexa stops at the center of the hut, voice angry and annoyed.

   “You will come up with something, you always do” you stand up from the stool and come up to her, put your calloused hands on her shaking shoulders. “You always do, you’re smart”.

Lexa smiles a bit and then she shakes her head a little bit.

   “I thought that when the mountain fell, I will not need to fight for the lives of my men” she closes her eyes, the smile on her face ironic. “I thought, no more blood will be spilled and finally my people will have peace”.

   “The time for peace will come. Consider this as the last enemy, the last fight” you encourage her but it doesn’t seem to work.

   “And then what? How do we know there won’t be any new threats?” her voice is angry again.

   “We don’t” you whisper, looking down at your feet. Lexa sighs.

   “I’m sorry, Clarke” she sighs again, closing her eyes tightly. You look up at her, take in all of her beauty, stare at her while she’s not looking.

   “I understand, it’s ok” you rub her shoulders slightly. You don’t understand because your burden seems so much lighter than hers. But it’s still a burden.

Your heart breaks because she is just a child and she looks so young. And the burden on her shoulders doesn’t get any lighter. As she straightens up a bit and opens her eyes, you stare at her face and understand that even if death surrounds you, you need to do what you want. Because the world may never be in peace and there might never be the right time for anything.

So you lean in and kiss her. It takes only a second before she kisses you back. 


	7. Summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I know it's been a while and that this chapter is shorter than before but I have no time at all so a few more shorter chapters will follow. But shit is gonna go down soon so bear with me. Hope you enjoy!

_“If only for a second_

_Let me have you_

_Tell me all your secrets_

_Let me know you“_

Her lips are soft and electricity runs through you at this sensation. The kiss is similar to your first one, it‘s gentle, it‘s innocent, it‘s surprising and it‘s making your head spin. Her rough hands find your waist and electricity hits you again when you feel her touch through your shirt. Your own hands tighten their grip on Lexa‘s shoulders and you give in for a while, your lips dancing in a tentative kiss. Your mind is blank, finally, for a short while it‘s empty and you just don‘t think. You try to feel more. Think less about the dead piling at your feet, feel the strong of Lexa‘s hands on your waist. Think less about the possibility of the enemy killing you all soon, feel her shoulder muscles through her attire. You keep the kiss simple though your tongue occasionally brushes against her lips but you are both content without deepening it. But then something flashes before your eyes and you shiver, break the kiss suddenly and take a step back from her. Your terrified eyes meet Lexa‘s. What was it just now?

   “I‘m, I‘m sorry” you barely whisper, staring at your hands, crimson blood dripping from fingernails on the ground.

   “Clarke?” you hear her concerned voice, she probably guessed that something came up, something isn‘t right, something is bothering you. You just can’t seem to focus.

You stand like that for a moment and you realize that you don’t hear anything anymore, you raise your head to look at her but you can’t hear a word she’s saying. Your head is pulsing and you see flashes of battle before storming Mount Weather. You see Lexa’s war paint, her face soaked in blood, you see her leaving, you see tons of burned faces and dead bodies. Does it ever get easier? You can feel the sticky liquid on your hands, you can smell blood.

   “I’m…” you can’t hear your voice but you know that you’re repeating that you’re sorry. Even you don’t really understand what for- for kissing her or breaking the kiss or something else entirely? “I’m...” you repeat again, choking on air.

   “Clarke” you can’t hear it, but you can make it out from her lips, that she’s repeating your name. Lips that kissed you gently and left you to die. Lips that you kissed and…

You feel everything starting to fade and you have no idea why would you lose your consciousness now, but you realize that the kiss might have stirred up something inside of you. The mind does not always act the way you want it to. The small window lets in the last rays of sun as the evening falls on the small village after the day of exhaustion and disappointment. The weight of the day catches up to you as you sink to your knees and the darkness swallows you again.

Hello darkness, my old friend.

* * *

 

   “It’s good that she didn't hit her head” the low voice says not so far away from you.

   “I do not know what happened, Nyko. She was fine one minute and the next - her skin pale, hands shaking” you hear another concerned voice.

   “She isn't sick” a third voice appears. “You checked her when she first appeared at camp”.

   “Maybe there are diseases we know nothing about. She is _Skaikru_ after all” the first one explains.

   “She needs rest, we are stirring up a commotion here” the third one chimes in and then you hear heavy steps on the porch. Someone was just in the hut and left.

Your head is in a fog, you try to open your eyes but your head splits in two the second you do. The bright light of the lamp on the tiny window sill illuminates the hut and it feels like the thousand suns are blinding you. You see Lexa. Lexa notices your reaction and carefully covers the lamp with a piece of cloth so it won’t shine as bright as it does. You try to sit up but the pain hits your head again and you groan, not moving, closing your eyes for a while.

   “Here” you hear her feet shuffling closer and she carefully takes your ice cold hand to give you a cup.

   “What is this?” you manage to ask, carefully staring with half closed eyes at the cup with a weird green concoction.

   “Nyko made this” her voice tired. “Drink it” she instructs you.

You try to sit up, this time successfully and then take a gulp of the drink. Your eyes widen a bit and it takes a lot of strength and resolve for you to not spit it out. Lexa motions for you to empty the cup and you have no other choice but to finish the utterly bitter liquid. For a moment you feel like you’re going to throw up but the feeling passes.

   “This is disgusting” you hear yourself say in a hoarse voice and the Commander smiles a bit.

   “It may be but it helps” she turns away from you and you can see her dampen a cloth in a bowl of water.

You are silent for a bit, waiting for Lexa to say something, to say anything. But she just takes the damp cloth and carefully puts it on your forehead, the cloth cooling your head, making you feel better.

   “What happened?” your voice is silent. You don’t know why you’re asking her.

Lexa doesn't say a word for a while and you doubt that even she knows what happened. You kissed her first this time, you took that first step and then something changed, something exploded. Something bad happened. Or resurfaced.

   “I could ask you the same, Clarke” she says with a dry voice while sitting on the stool. She is not even looking at you, averting her gaze and staring at her feet.

   “I don’t know” because you really don’t. You don’t know what happened, you just realize that maybe you’re not ready yet, that there is some sort of a psychological switch inside of your head. And you worry a lot. What if this is forever? What if it will never go away? What if you’re condemned to always see the blood on your hands, to always repel any sort of contact? Killing is never easy but you wonder for how long the dead will be laying on your consciousness.

   “You should sleep, it is late” the Commander says.

You just nod a bit and it takes only a few seconds before you find yourself drifting off.

* * *

 

You wake up late in the morning and you feel so much better than before. The village is drowning in silence and you can’t help to wonder where everyone disappeared to. Your eyes adjust to the soft light of the hut and your head doesn't feel as heavy as before. Sleep does wonders. When you can let yourself sleep and are not in danger. Which happens really rarely. You hear steps on the small porch of the hut and wonder who came by. Lexa? Nyko to check on you? But it is Indra that cautiously walks in and silently stands in the corner, not sure if you’re awake or asleep and how she should act.

   “How are you feeling, _Skai prisa_?” Indra asks you.

   “Better” you clear your throat. Your voice sounds weird. “Where is everyone?” you ask the general while looking around.

   “The Commander went to meet the allies from the coalition, the warriors are hunting and Nyko just finished making this” only then you notice a cup in her hands.

   “Is that the same bitter drink?” it tasted bad. And by bad you mean terrible. But you do feel better, you’re just not sure is it because of sleep or that atrocious drink.

   “It is, but it is very good for you” Indra laughs a bit, her demeanor not as stoic as you remember when you first met her in Lexa’s tent. Not as stoic when she wanted to kill you.

   “How is it good for me?” you stretch for some time and a yawn escapes your lips.

   “This is made from the herbs around here, this is made from nature. That is how we treat our ill” Indra states proudly and you wonder how the Grounders would react to the technology that was on the Ark, technology that helped to save people. Technology, which is now gone. Your train of thoughts is broken by the woman slowly approaching the bed and handing you the cup. You make a face before downing it with one gulp.

   “Am I sick?” you ask the question that has been on your mind for a while. You stick out your tongue at the bitter after taste and shake your head trying to make it go away.

   “Not that we know of” Indra doesn't seem phased by your question. “There is something wrong but we do not know what” she takes the cup from your hand and plants it on the window sill.

   “Great” you whisper to yourself more. You wanted to die; you wanted to be erased from the surface of this planet. You wanted to disappear because of your actions, because of the morality crushing you. How would you feel if it would happen for real now? Would it make you feel better?

   “You are strong, Clarke of the Sky people” you hear Indra’s voice after a couple of minutes. You want to believe it.   
   “War is upon us” you blurt out. Everyone might want to avoid the topic but there’s no point in it.

Indra stays silent again. You look at her and you see her contemplating what to say.

   “It is” her voice is laced with disappointment. “It never ends” and you realize that these people have fought war their whole lives and they’re tired of it, they’re sick of dead bodies piling up, they’re sick of losing.

   “I’m sorry” you apologize.

   “You are not at fault” Indra shakes her head as if you’re talking nonsense. Still, you feel responsible for everything that happens to the people around you, you feel like you’re drowning them.

And eventually, everyone will find themselves under the surface.

* * *

 

You heard the men return from their hunt, you heard small cheers and Indra rounding everyone up, telling them to rest. You carefully get up from the bed and grab your jacket. You don’t want to be tied to the bed especially now that you feel fine. You don’t want these people to think you’re useless, you want to help. The fire in the middle looks comforting and as Indra sits on one, you ask her if she needs any help. She probably can do it alone but she lets you help and nods at you. You feel grateful. So you sit on a log by the fire as well, helping Indra with the kills. But even while you feel well, you can feel everyone around you stealing glances, as if afraid that you will break at any moment given.  
   “Everyone is worried” the woman says while looking intently at her bloody knife and the skin of the animal.

   “I thought they didn't care about the Sky people” you pull your knees closer and lay your head on them, waiting for Indra to be done.

   “I am not sure of care but they do respect you” Indra gives you some vegetables, a sharp small knife and asks for you to peel them. “You earned it”.

   “I killed innocent people because I was left with no choice. I doubt that’s really worth respect” you stare at the vegetables while peeling them.

   “That is exactly what is worth respect. Making difficult decisions, thinking of your people. Why do you think the Grounders respect the Commander so much?” the general’s gaze falls on you. “Because there is someone who has to make these decisions, because there is someone they can rely on”.

   “Well, Lexa is doing a better job than I've ever done” you mutter under your breath. It’s true, you've seen her command. She might be ruthless at times but she does what is necessary. She doesn't tire herself with irrelevant questions.

   “How come?” Indra asks.

   “When we landed on the ground, everything was chaos. My best friend was killed, people wanted to hang an innocent man, a little girl killed herself. It was a mess. Bellamy and I took leadership upon us but I’m not sure if that helped”. You sigh, everything feels so long ago. You can’t believe it’s been at most only a couple of months. “Still, many of us died”.

You both work silently for a while, skinning the animals, peeling and cutting vegetables, boiling water. When the food is bubbling in the huge pot on the fire, you clean up and excuse yourself, wanting some time alone, some time to think. Just as you stand about to walk away, you hear.

   “It is not your leadership that is at fault, _Skai prisa_. It’s your people” Indra says calmly.

* * *

 

Lexa returns in the early evening. You hear whispers and when you look through the small window of the hut, you see her return. Your stomach clenches because you realize that she has gone all alone and you wonder if that was a smart thing to do. She talks a bit with Indra and you can see her take steps towards the hut.

   “Hi” you say to her, while Lexa discards her weapons.

   “Hello. Indra said that you feel and look better” she doesn’t look at you but you can see a small smile settle on her lips.

   “I do” you smile as well. “Why did you go all alone?” you change the subject.

   “Less people, less unwanted attention, Clarke” Lexa turns her head to you and you finally see her face.

   “It’s not safe” you state and put away a book someone found here and gave you.

   “It is not” she yawns and lays on the bed beside you. “Indra told me about your conversation. About you doubting your leadership abilities”.

   “Do you think what Indra said is true?” you ask Lexa.

   “I do”.

   “Why?” you want to know.

   “Your people lack discipline. They rarely look past themselves” she says while lying on her back, staring at the old wooden ceiling.

   “That’s what you think of us?” your question is honest, you want an honest answer as well.

   “Yes” Lexa looks at you. “But your people are also compassionate and they are caring. We grew in different circumstances, Clarke”.

   “Then tell me, why do you care?” you don’t want to but you do sound demanding.

   “I was raised on “love is weakness”. After Costia, it became my armor. I wore it proudly. I never thought about it otherwise, but…” Lexa trails off.

   “But?” you want her to continue, the Commander rarely talks about her feelings. At least this openly. There are always these small hints she gives you – the way her jaw clenches, the way her eyes shine, the way she fidgets with something. But it’s never obvious and if you wouldn't look intently, you probably wouldn't notice.

   “But then you fell from the sky. And "love is weakness" is no longer my armor but my skin. It hurts, it hurts like never before”.

You have no idea what to say so you just look at the old cover of the book on your lap. You both say nothing for a while. You hear her rustle a bit in the bed and then she’s up.

   “I’m going to go see Indra and talk about the tactics” she says not turning to you and going through the threshold.

You could’ve said something. Maybe things would be different then. But you didn't.


	8. Smoke + mirrors

**A/N: Aaaand I'm finally back :) I am SO sorry that I haven't updated in a while but I promise you, the updates are gonna come much faster now that I'm finally free from university for the summer. Like I've said, a few shorter chapters will follow so please be patient with me. Hope you enjoy this. Also, thank you for your follows and favs and reviews, they mean so much to me :)**

_All I believe_

_Is it a dream?_

_That comes crashing down on me_

_All that I hope_

_Is it just smoke and mirrors?_

Lexa avoids you for the next couple of days. You can’t really blame her. She is still learning to let herself be more sensitive, more open, more human. She also tries to keep all of you alive and that is a tough job on its own. The lives of so many riding on her shoulders. Sometimes you wake up late at night and you feel that the bed is empty, cold and untouched on her side. The Commander has much to do as war is coming and you barely even see her. The Grounders don’t want to be oppressed anymore, they don’t want to lose, they don’t want to suffer any more than they’ve already suffered. Peace was not for long but everyone got already used to what it tastes like, they don’t want to let go of that. Lexa visits Luna and the Boat clan, the closest she has to allies. She seeks aid from the Mountain clan and their leader Maes, the reasonable man you’ve met at the meeting of the clans. The Commander barely eats, sleeps or rests but whenever you see her and mention it, she just casually brushes it away and says “later”. Sometimes you wake up late at night only to find that Lexa has just returned from her trips, dead tired and barely moving, hands slowly unbuckling her heavy armor. You don’t say anything. You don’t say anything because she knows and you’re not the one to lecture. The days pass quietly. You often find yourself helping out the hunters with their catch, gathering medical herbs for Nyko and cooking with Indra. You especially seem to enjoy the dynamic between you, Nyko and Indra. You all couldn’t be more different but you do enjoy their company. Something you’d never thought of happening.  

One day Lexa returns early. You’re in the bed reading while she grabs a pencil and a notepad. Then Lexa clears out her throat, a sign that she will finally say something. Yet the words spoken come as a shock to you.

   “We are going back to TonDC” she says casually, scribbling something down on an old and weary notepad. A slight breeze comes from the window and you shiver. You don’t understand at first, you think you’ve misheard.

   “Why?” you try to pretend that everything is fine but your heart is already in your throat and your fists are clenching, eyes burning. _TonDC. People screaming, fire everywhere…_

   “The enemy has pushed us quite a lot, our current location is dangerous, us being so close to Polis that is” she exhales heavily. “TonDC is our safest bet”. You know that she doesn’t want to go back either, going back is like admitting that the enemy is better, faster, stronger and Lexa is not keen on doing that. But if you stay here any longer, you might all fall prey to the Ice Nation.

   “TonDC is so close…” you trail off, unwilling to say the words.

   “To your camp, Clarke?” Lexa finishes your sentence. Sometimes you think if words are even necessary between the two of you, she’s able to read your mind on more than one occasion. Sometimes you hate how understanding she is; sometimes you want her to be angry at you, to not get how you’re feeling. But that is not the case. Either she understands you really well, either you’re really easy to read. Which may be true, not once have you heard that you wear your heart on your sleeve.

   “Is that not good?” the Commander asks immediately, concern laces her voice. “Did something bad happen to make you leave your people?”.

You shake your head. No. Your people would never do anything to hurt you. But they remind you of how much you had to go through, how much you had to suffer and endure for the sake of your people. You are not ready to see them. You are not ready to face those you’ve left behind. You’re not ready to fully apprehend what you’ve done, even if it was to save your people. The blood is still fresh on your hands.

   “You do not want to see them yet. Am I correct?” Lexa continues and reads your mind again.

   “It’s too early for me to see them” you trail of, thinking about the faces of your friends. _Bellamy, Octavia, Monty, Jasper, Raven, mom…_ “I am not ready for that”. Lexa just nods. It is quite easy with her, she never demands more answers, she somehow knows when to push and when to lay off. You appreciate that more than you’re ever ready to admit.

   “It is alright, Clarke. If you do not wish to see them” the Commander’s face softens as she turns her head and looks up at you from her writings. “It is alright if you need more time to heal”.

   “Won’t they know I’m with you?” you ask her, realizing that it’s not very easy to hide from the people who have the resources to find you.

   “Your camp is not that close; I doubt they will see you” Lexa exhales. “But we can arrange something if you want”.

   “I would like that” you let out a shaky breath and smile slightly. Lexa smiles back and puts away her notepad. She gracefully blows out the lamp and falls asleep seconds later.

You don’t.

* * *

 

The trip to TonDC is kind of somber. Putting distance from the enemy while realizing how close they are, remembering the missile attack and the events that followed. You remember the shouts of pain, the smell of fire and smoke, the burned bodies which remind you of the corpses left on Mount Weather. The trip is different because no one says a word, not even Nyko. He is not asking how you’re feeling, Indra isn’t making her usual remarks concerning something. Only the sound of steps of the horses and the crunching leafs are heard, nothing more. The sky is grey and it looks as if it will rain any second now. Again, like a bad omen.

* * *

 

TonDC reminds you s bit of the small village you were staying at. Only TonDC has far more people, people trying to rebuild their homes after the attack. People trying to move on with their lives. The first few days after you’ve arrived are like a haze. You walk around with a shawl on your head but that doesn’t seem to be working because people know exactly who you are. You hear whispers, in Trigedasleng and English. People are wondering what you are doing here. Some look at the ground once your gazes meet, some are suspicious, others don’t care.

You remember that when you arrived, Lexa made a speech in Trigedasleng and at some point, pointed at you, explaining something passionately. You have no idea what she said, you’re not sure you want to know. You settle in in the outskirts of the village, setting camp there as more and more Grounder warriors arrive from different points. TonDC wasn’t small but now it’s expanded and looks like a full-fledged city with various tents everywhere. You remember seeing pictures of festivals up on the Ark, thousands of colorful tents set up in plains, a colorful contrast. This reminds you of it, just not the purpose. Like before, you are sharing a bed with Lexa.

   “Are you sure, Clarke?” Lexa asked somewhat shyly, somewhat worried when the tent was first assembled.

   “I don’t want to be alone” was your answer, it sufficed. No more questions were asked.

* * *

 

It’s dark in the tent and you feel as tired as ever but you still can’t seem to fall asleep. The cot is so much smaller than the bed you’ve shared so you have to turn carefully to not fall out.

   “Stop thinking, Clarke” you almost jump at the noise of her voice. When you turn to Lexa, you see that her eyes though sleepy, are open and staring widely at you.

   “I’m sorry” you apologize. You haven’t been able to sleep normally since you’ve got here, always being somewhere in the middle of being asleep and awake. You hate that state.

   “You do not need to apologize” Lexa whispers. “What is on your mind?”.

   “My people, your people, the Mountain Men” you answer while lying on your back, Lexa shifts and turns to you.

   “We have a war coming, Clarke. Now is not the time to grieve, we can’t afford to mourn the dead, we must cherish the living and see that they live through another day”. Her voice is a little harsh but you also know that she speaks the truth. You may all be dead in the upcoming weeks.

   “I’m not sure what I’m fighting for anymore” you say and silence falls in the tent. Probably because Lexa wasn’t prepared for this. Even you yourself are quite shocked by this negativity.

   “What about your people?” she finally manages to ask. ‘What about keeping them safe?”.

   “My people are capable of defending themselves, they may be even better off without me” your tone is strict. It is the truth. Maybe you’re really not good at being in charge, maybe you don’t want to be in charge anymore. You don’t want to be the human scales, weighing down the importance of people’s lives. You don’t want to be the one who pulls the lever again.

   “But your people need you” the Commander says thoughtfully, then waits a bit, “They need a capable leader. You and I were born for this, Clarke” Lexa repeats the line long forgotten.

   “I don’t want to be deciding who lives or dies!” you say angrily. “Why should I be the one who decides that? _Who_ am I to decided that?”.

   “People believe in you, thus they follow you. They believe your judgement, even if you don’t believe it yourself” Lexa rips your anger to pieces. “Go to sleep, Clarke. Tomorrow is a different day” she says as she wants to turn in bed, but you are quicker. Your hands find her waist and your nose connects with her collarbone. Soon enough her hands soothingly rub your back.

Yes, you might get some sleep tonight.

* * *

 


	9. Hear me

**_A/N: Hope you like this one :) Also, thanks for your support and positive thoughts and comments. You rock!_ **

* * *

 

_“From the floor to the floor_

_And the sky to the sky_

_You've got to love and adore and the rest is awry_

_And if you're warm, then you can't relate to me”_

You think that it’s like the calm before the storm. The days pass by quietly, too quiet. There’s almost no wind, you’re not sure if you even hear the birds. It’s as if the whole world is holding its breath and waiting. There’s something in the air, something different. You have the same feeling you’ve had before going to Polis. That something is going to go down and it’s going to be ugly. The feeling of utter destruction. That everything is spiraling down and is out of control. You talk to the women, to the children, to the warriors. You smile as you help them out but that bad feeling has rooted itself in your heart and feels like a burden wherever you go, whatever you do. You wake up already depressed, waiting for the doomsday to come, thinking what will go wrong this time. And it will, you have no doubt. Earth was never very welcoming.

   “I have a bad feeling” one day you say these weird words to Lexa. She looks as puzzled as you thought she’d be. You remember those funny cartoons, where characters would have question marks instead of their eyes, looking confused. But her eyes then travel back to the small piece of paper in front of her. Worn out pencil in hand and a bit bent in front of the war table, Lexa writes something down.

   “A bad feeling?” Lexa asks, irritation present. “What do you mean?” she steals a short glance at you, then continues to scribble down on the paper.

   “Like something bad is going to happen” you try to explain, you try to find the rights words to explain the feeling but you find none. Somehow she doesn’t really get it, you’re not sure why you’re even going through this. To be honest, you can’t understand it clearly yourself. Also, you can’t really explain it with proper words and that’s what Lexa is waiting for – a proper explanation.

   “What is this feeling based on?” she doesn’t look at you as she writes something down on the note again. Lexa looks incredibly concentrated and you wonder what she is writing down, though it must be something important.

   “I.. I don’t know” you murmur mostly to yourself. Damn it, way to go, Clarke. Way to explain the current situation. You close your eyes for a bit then look at the Commander again. Lexa shoots you an annoying look from the sturdy table but turns her head and concentrates on the task once again. “Never mind. What are you doing?”.

   “Writing down the things that have to be done” and only a soft tad on the table can be heard for the next couple of minutes.

   “Such as?” you question, waiting for the details.

   “Such as the times of guard patrol, we need to be careful and plan the rotation accordingly. Also, instructions for the hunters and how to ration our food” Lexa exhales heavily, leaning forward and burying her face in the table, hands in front of her head. “There is so much to be done here. TonDC is not the same it was before”.

You slightly shake your head to get rid of all the ghosts of TonDC stuck in your head. Now is not the time, not the time to blame yourself again. Everyone here is walking on egg shells, trying not to talk about the touchy subject as the Mountain men and the missile. Everyone is trying to forget and rebuild. But destruction has seeped into everything here, especially the faces of the villagers. They lost people, their homes; some lost everything they had in this life. That can’t be easy.

   “So what is this bad feeling you keep talking about?” the Commander’s voice snaps you out from trance.

   “Don’t you ever get such a feeling? That something bad is about to happen and it usually does?” you walk around the war table, overlooking the huge amounts of old papers and torn maps. You stand right across Lexa. After a while she lifts her head up and rubs her eyes. She’s barely been sleeping since you’ve arrived.

   “No, not really. I’d rather focus on the things that are happening at the given time” her voice is dry and out of life.

   “But…” you protest.

   “Bad things can happen any time, Clarke. We’re on the precipice of war, we can get attacked any time, we can die any day”. Lexa arranges the papers neatly and straightens her spine as she looks into you “Death is always present”.

   “I know that” your voice is as tired as hers. Being here isn’t easy.

Lexa looks concerned and focuses on your face while obviously thinking about something else entirely. She always has this vacant but piercing look when she analyzes some information. Neither of you move, Lexa just stares at you and you can’t help but look away under the weight of her gaze. Then she casually takes the notes she’s written in her hands.

   “I’ll ask for more patrols to stand guard” Lexa looks over her shoulder at you as she walks out of the tent.

You feel somewhat relieved. You’re glad that Lexa doesn’t just brush it off like others most likely would do. She may not understand. But she does care.

* * *

 

The feeling gets stronger every day, haunting you, nagging. You can barely sleep. Lexa doesn’t know what to do. Burying yourself in the nape of her neck at night doesn’t work, helping Indra with the kills of the hunt doesn’t work, collecting herbs for Nyko doesn’t work and reading old books doesn’t help out either. The feeling is like a void, growing every day and swallowing everything in its wake.

All you can do is wait.

* * *

 

   “Clarke?” Lexa waves a hand in front of you and you snap out of it. Then remember you are in a meeting to discuss the things that can be done to make guards more effective if the enemy strikes. Lexa has called her best warriors and generals and each and every one of them is now staring at you. You cough and hope that you haven’t disrespected them.

   “Yeah, we give the guards better weapons and…?” you say what you heard last.

   “And other five things that the Commander said, _Skai Prisa_ ” Indra frowns. “You seem distraught”.

   “I’m sorry” you say quietly, embarrassed as you look at your feet while Indra shakes her head disapprovingly. You try to focus your attention on the meeting, intently listening to the suggestions and improvements. With the corner of your eye you’d notice Lexa watching you from time to time. Your mind starts wandering again but then you hear that meeting is over.

   “Is there something wrong, Clarke of the Sky People?” you notice that there are only three people left in the tent. Indra’s voice reminds you of her presence.

   “She has a bad feeling” Lexa says faster than you could answer.

   “A bad feeling?” Indra raises her eyebrow and doesn’t understand. “May I ask what is this bad feeling?”.

   “A feeling, that something bad is going to happen” you chime in, trying to sound serious but failing. Indra eyes you for a second.

   “It will if you don’t start paying attention” Indra mocks you and leaves the tent.

Indra is probably right. If you don’t listen or pay attention to these meetings, you might miss some vital information that could help come up with a plan of defense. You feel really bad for dazing off, these people need tactics, thoughts, schemes, anything that can help out. And you certainly don’t with your vacant look.

   “You worry” Lexa observantly notices.

   “And you don’t?”.

   “Of course I do, Clarke” she sighs, then walks back and forward for a bit. Her frame looks so fragile right now, face pale. You hate seeing her like this. “But I don’t let worry overtake me. You shouldn’t let emotions get the better of you”.

   “You think I think too much” you rephrase Lexa’s words and Lexa lets out a little raspy laugh.

   “You think where you should feel and feel where you should think” she stops to look at you and smiles. “It is most extraordinary”.

   “Probably what makes me a bad person” you trail off.

   “Probably what makes you a good leader, Clarke. The ability to shoulder the burdens. The ability to come up with unique solutions” the Commander says seriously.

   “Have I told you that sometimes you annoy me with your wisdom?” you smile softly. “I mean, sometimes it’s utterly disturbing”.

   “I bear the wisdom of the previous Commanders. They help in guiding me” she says proudly. “Besides that, this evening Indra, some Grounders and I are going to scout the areas near your camp. We will return late”.

   “Take me with you” you blurt out and Lexa narrows her eyes.

   “Are you sure? What if you get seen?” she asks cautiously.

   “I want to go” you press on. “I want to make sure that my people are safe, even if I’m not with them right now” your conviction is strong.

Lexa seems to think and ponder for a while but eventually agrees.

   “We’re leaving at sunset” she turns to leave the meeting tent. “Be ready by then”.

* * *

 

You take a deep breath and leave your shared tent. You go slowly and think about the camp, its electrical fence, its people. When you arrive at the gate of the village, you already see Lexa and Indra talking to the other five Grounders. They are waiting with horses and turn their heads at you once you approach them.

   “Is everyone ready?” Lexa asks and eyes everyone, making sure that they nod.

   “Yes, _Heda_ ” the warriors answer.

   “Let’s go” Indra says as she mounts the horse and slowly steps through the gate. You all do the same and follow.

The whole trip is silent as always. It takes quite some time to get closer to camp Jaha. You remember walking in these woods, running, searching, finding and returning. You remember your trips to the Grounder camp that was settled nearby, you remember the trips to TonDC. But as you get closer and closer, the uneasiness returns and settles into your stomach, reminding of its existence. One moment you even want to throw up but you try to remain calm and hold the reins of the horse even tighter. While you circle the camp, staying far away from it, you wonder how your friends are doing. Is Raven’s leg better? Does Jasper still hate you? Is Octavia still angry? How is mom, Bellamy?

   “Wait” one of the warriors says, motioning to stop. He then gets off of the horse and investigates something on the ground. You have no idea how he is able to see something, it’s gotten pretty dark and the trees throw dark shadows too.

   “What is it?” Lexa dismounts the horse and crouches closer to the warrior and the ground he’s inspecting. Everyone else also quietly ascend to the ground. Only you dismount with a thud, still unused to horses.

  “What do you see?” Indra asks as she comes closer too.

   “Footprints” Lexa answers while still staring at the ground. “Recent”.

   “So what? That could be anyone from the camp” you don’t even notice how your voice gets desperate, shaking. Lexa shoots you a look of sorrow.

   “No, _Skai Prisa_ , the footprint is different than any of your people’s footwear” the warrior inspecting the footprint says. Your heart finds its way to your throat and your whole body starts shaking.

   “The Ice Nation” you only manage to whisper.

* * *

 

You stop to rest for a bit in a grove nearby. While everyone is making assumptions as to what the Ice Nation is up to, you lean against a tall tree and try to collect yourself, your thoughts and feelings scattered.

   “It could be scouts” one of the warriors suggests.

   “The footwear seems too heavy for only a scout” Indra remarks.

   “They are up to something indeed” Lexa adds.

   “But what could they want from the _Skaikru_?” another Grounder asks. Silence falls.

And that’s when it happens. You hear a loud crash from where camp Jaha is supposed to be. Everyone jumps to their feet. And then another one.

  “What was that?” Indra asks, voice slightly panicked. You look around and then you notice.

   “Is that… smoke?” you’re petrified. Your eyes are on fire and you hastily mount the nearest horse. You don’t care what happens to you, the reins burn into your hands as you gallop towards the camp and the black smoke.

   “Clarke!” you barely hear Lexa’s voice.

Everything feels like a very bad dream when you get to the camp. You hope it’s only a very bad dream, you hope you’ll wake up soon. People are screaming, running everywhere, no one even notices you. You stop and slowly dismount the horse and your hands fall helplessly to your sides as your knees grow weak.

So this is what that bad feeling was about. You stare as the last remains of your previous home turn into ash.


	10. Friction

**_A/N: Another chapter is up! And as always, thank you to everyone who is still reading this. Your love for this story keeps me going :)_ **

* * *

 

_“You can’t fight the friction, so ease it off_

_Can’t take the pressure, so ease it off_

_Don’t tell me to be strong, ease it off_

_You can’t fight the friction_

_So ease it off”_

   “This is not real” you say as the high red flames lick the Ark. “This can’t be real…” your voice breaks.

You feel like you’ve gone deaf, your head is pulsing but you hear nothing, absolutely nothing. You see the smoke and it’s like TonDC all over again. You shiver as the memories engulf you and they are dark and seem to have attached themselves onto your body. You’re drowning, there’s no air, no air… Time and space loses meaning, there is only pain. Someone shakes you gently and you hazily remember Lexa shaking you at TonDC, trying to get you to snap out of it. But now all the sounds and noises and voices come crashing back and you realize that it’s not Lexa’s voice. It’s deeper.

   “Clarke!” someone shoves you a little harder with rough hands. The voice is low and hoarse. You know exactly who it is.

   “Bellamy?” you look into his concerned eyes. “What happened?”.

   “I don’t know but come on, people need our help” he yells as he drags you towards the plain near the Ark, where the surviving people have gathered. Your name becomes a chant, you hear it being said by everyone, everyone’s lips are repeating it like you’re their savior. But you aren’t and you’re not sure if you ever wish to be. You have sacrificed enough of your humanity and insanity. You want to close your eyes because it pains you to look at them, at their faces and what they remind you of. But it’s a new enemy, a new threat and they need your support.

    “Clarke, is that really you?” you hear after a couple of minutes while you’re trying to help an older woman to sit down. You hope that the people were fast enough to save themselves.

You knew you’d have to confront her one day. One day you knew you’d have to talk to her, to deal with all the things and feelings you’ve stuffed down. You just didn’t want it to happen so soon. You think she won’t get it, why you’ve done this, why you’ve gone away and left all of them, including her. You hope she might but you’re not sure. There are just too many words left unsaid and you think it’s too late to say them now.

   “Mom, what happened here?” your voice is a ghost of former self.

* * *

 

   “I don’t know, Clarke. We heard noises and came out to check on them but it was too late” mom says and she looks as if she hasn’t slept since you left. Maybe it’s true.

   “Our people are not safe here” you mutter to yourself mostly. “We need to get them out of here”.

   “Tell me” she pleads and you know the question even without her asking you. You look around, staring at the faces of the people, the Ark in ashes, smoke everywhere. You’re keeping your distance from the people, not wanting to agitate them.

   “It was the Ice Nation” your answer is silent and that suffices. Maybe Kane knew a bit more about Grounder politics and customs but mom knew enough tales about the Ice Nation to know that they’re lethal. So she stays silent. At that moment Marcus runs over to the both of you with blood running down the side of his face.

   “We’ve saved everyone we could” he says as he looks at mom. “It is nice seeing you, Clarke” he nods his head politely at you. He doesn’t question why you’re here or how you appeared, you feel grateful for it.

   “Clarke just told me that it was the Ice Nation that attacked us” mom’s voice is cold, chilling, lifeless.

   “The Ice Nation?” Kane looked puzzled. “That can’t be, what about the Coalition?”

   “Coalition is no more. The _Trikru_ are mostly alone, though we have the support of the Mountain Clan and the Boat People” you tell them while you sadly wave back at Raven in the distance.

   “So that’s where you’ve been…” your mother trails off. “They have betrayed us, Clarke, they have left us for dead. And you went with them?” mom looks straight at you, judging.

   “It is a long story and we clearly do not have the time for this” your voice is annoyed. Now is not the time for angry fits and explanations.

   “You aren’t so easily forgiving, Clarke. What changed?” mom is nevertheless surprised.

   “People change. I changed”.

Though not only you, Lexa as well.

* * *

 

Everyone’s been staring at you, your friends, your people. But you just kept your distance; you tried to come up with a plan with mom and Kane. They were the most reasonable ones and also, the ones in charge as well. It’s weird. It’s like no time has passed at tall, as if nothing happened, as if you haven’t left.

   “So Polis was taken?” Kane asks, shaking his head in disbelief. He couldn’t believe the capital could be taken so easily.

   “Unfortunately, yes” you say as mom tries to clean the dried blood off of his face. The three of you are sitting near a smaller fire with a distance from everyone else. You and mom treated everyone who needed care while you tried to talk as less as possible.

   “Is there anywhere safe?” mom ponders. “Our people need safety”.

   “We can arrange that, once Lexa arrives” you say, your voice desperate. Where is she? She should arrive any minute.

   “Can our people trust them?” mom looks at Kane, then shoots a look at you. “I don’t think they’d go back to the Grounders so readily”.

   “If they want to live, they will” Marcus says and gives your hand a light squeeze. Everything falls to silence.

Then you hear horses and footsteps. Too many to be Lexa’s party, too heavy.

   “Grab your guns” you shout from the top of your lungs and panic seeps into you. Did the Ice Nations soldiers come here to finish their job? To kill your people? But why? After a moment you see them, their blades glistening in the dark. You also see a huge man with a mask on his face, throwing commands. Probably the leader of the pack. There aren’t many of them but there doesn’t have to be. They are so much more skilled in combat than your people. And most of your people are either hurt or tired. Not an equal game. But when has Earth offered comfort.

The time you hear the screams, the carnage begins.

* * *

 

Swords clash, the smell of blood in the air, smoke dissipates in the darkness.

   “We need to get people out of here” you shout to Bellamy, who fires the gun at the enemy. You run from one group of people to the other, asking them if they’re not hurt, trying to show them a way to safety.

   “Then help them, Princess. Get them away from here. Lincoln, help Clarke” he shouts at the man nearby and in seconds he’s by your side with a small smile and a nod. No words are needed for you to understand what he means.

   “No, Lincoln, help Bellamy to fight them off. I’ll help” you hear her voice. Octavia.

   “Thank you” you say to her but she doesn’t react. Probably still angry, still pissed off. But you don’t have the time to think about this now. You help out the people that aren’t fighting, you remember that there is a patch in the forest nearby that may help hide them for now, just for them to not fall victim to the blades or arrows of the Ice Nation.

   “That spot?” Octavia asks coldly, not looking you in the eyes. You were there together; she knows what you have in mind.

   “Yes” you answer helping up women and guiding them towards Octavia.

   “Good thinking” she says as she disappears, going forward, coaxing everyone and telling where to go. You try to secure the passage or at least observe that no enemy sees where the rest are going. The less victims, the better.

You stretch your ears and freeze in trying to listen but still, you fail to hear him. He comes from your right side and his sword hits your arm, you jump away but not fast enough. The cut is deep and the crimson blood starts gushing out of the wound. You don’t scream. You face him now; even through the mask you can see his vicious eyes.

   “ _Skai prisa_ ” he hisses in the dark.

   “Why did you attack us?” you scramble and your feet tangle. You are on the ground, your right hand bleeding immensely and you probably won’t be able to control it, to use it anymore as you can’t move your fingers.

   “Answer me!” you scream at him. You try to crawl away from him but your back hits a tree trunk with a thud. You exhale loudly.

   “Your home is destroyed; your people are wounded, your right hand is injured. What are you going to do now, _Skai prisa_? The Commander won’t help you, she’s not here” He spits out looking at you, trying to suppress his laugh. He points his sword right at you and your only reaction is to gulp. But you’re not worried, not at all.

   “You people tend to forget” you laugh a little because you probably lost your mind a long time ago “that I’m left handed”.

You take out your pistol and aim right at him.


	11. Ready, Aim, Fire

**A/N: It's been a while but here's an update! Hope you guys like it :)**

* * *

 

_“With our backs to the wall, the darkness will fall_

_We never quite thought we could lose it all_

_Ready, aim, fire, ready, aim, fire”_

   “You people tend to forget” you laugh a little because you probably lost your mind a long time ago “that I’m left handed”.

You take out your pistol and aim right at him.

He doesn’t even flinch; you notice it even in the darkness that surrounds you. His eyes beneath that mask remain cold and focused but defeat is evident. You can see the muscles in his neck tense up.

   “Why did you attack my people?” you ask him again, eyes trained on his entire body. He’s faster than you, stronger too, so you need to not let your guard down. You hope he has no tricks up his sleeve; you’d be in big trouble otherwise.

     “I will tell you nothing, _Skai prisa_ ” he snarls and charges headfirst, sword in his hand getting closer and closer.

   “Wrong answer” you say as the gunshot rings through the forest, the trees around get dyed in crimson. You get up from the ground carefully, still watching the unmoving body, the gun in your hand heavy.

You try to brush it off as if nothing, but your whole body starts shaking. After a couple of minutes Octavia appears, carefully diving between the trees in the dark, but as soon as she sees the warrior dead, she comes right to you. Octavia just stands in front of you, looking at you while you stare at the pool of dark blood on the ground. You don’t say a word and Octavia’s eyes are hard for a second, but then she just pulls you into a hug. It is short but it means the world to you. You are both startled by the sound of submachine guns in the distance. You both say nothing, just nod to each other and run to the sound of fighting.

   “Are they safe?” you ask, almost near the place of blood spill.

   “Yes” is the short answer Octavia gives you before you both part and go in different directions.

* * *

 

As you get closer to the fighting, the sound dies out and your brain can’t help it but think “ _what if we lost? What if everyone’s dead?_ ”. But when you arrive, you see a bloody Bellamy sitting on the ground, the gun still in his hand. His chest is rising heavily. Lincoln is standing right near him. You run towards them relieved that they are alive.

   “Are you alright?” you kneel down in front of Bellamy to check up on him. There is so much blood on his face.

   “Yeah. They’re dead” he clears his throat. “Where is Octavia?” he asks while looking around.

   “She ran in a different direction, probably helping out others” you say as you stand up and give a nod to Lincoln. He nods right back at you as he is still gripping his machete.

   “How are the others?” you look around. Blood, fire, ash. Everywhere is just blood, fire and ash. There’s nothing left, not anymore.

   “I don’t know” Bellamy answers truthfully. “But I believe they’ll be fine”. You squeeze his shoulder and try to find mom in the many but small crowds of people. You spot her right away; she is helping a limping Kane to sit down.

   “I don’t understand” Kane whispers once you reach them. He intensely is scrubbing blood off of his fingers.

   “Me neither” you sigh, fully understanding what he means by saying this.

   “What was the point of their attack?” Kane asks himself rather than you. “If they wanted to truly kill us all, I doubt they would have sent a handful of warriors. Unless they underestimate us that much”.

   “I doubt it” mom says. She knows what the Grounders are capable of, you know it too and you shoot her a look of concern. “They are definitely up to something”.

   “I agree” you nod. “They know we have guns, but they also know that they could outnumber and slaughter us easily…” you trail off. This was only a child’s game; you have heard too many stories from Indra to know that these people aren’t messing around. But what is this? And what is yet to come?

   “Maybe it was like sending a message?” another voice chimes in and you turn around to see Bellamy standing nearby. His left eye is closed and bloody.

   “Bellamy, are you all right?” your voice concerned, you search his face for any sign of pain.

   “I am fine, princess. This” he points to the eye and laughs a bit “will heal in no time”. He lowers his head and you can’t see his face anymore. “But like the rest of you, I can’t understand what this was about” he shakes his head, confused.

   “What if they strike again?” you turn around to mom and Kane. No one says anything but after a few minutes you notice a change of look in Kane’s eyes. He is looking somewhere behind you.

   “Indra” he says slowly. You don’t understand. You and Bellamy turn around to see Indra coming your way, slowly, her hands in the air. At first you don’t understand why but then you notice that most of your people have their guns pointed at her. You think it’s a miracle they haven’t shot her on sight.

   “Stand down” you yell to them and they lower their weapons, unsure of what to do and what is this about. You look back at mom and raise an eyebrow.

   “Listen to my daughter” she says to convince them. “Stand down”.

They listen to the Chancellor and Indra is able to lower her hands and fasten her pace to reach you.

   “Not the best circumstances to meet again” Kane says jokingly. “Considering everything that happened” his voice is low. He hasn’t forgotten.

   “Where’s Lexa and the others?” you ask the woman, noticing that she is completely alone.

   “We took different paths, to draw less attention” Indra says and asks “Are you alright, _Skai prisa_?”.

   “ _Skai prisa_? My my, now that’s a title, Clarke” Marcus smiles.

   “I am fine” you turn to Indra. It’s weird. You and Indra have grown so much closer over the course of the recent events. She respects you; she respects the uneasy choices you’ve had to make. There’s no more hostility between the two of you.

   “Clarke, your hand is bleeding” and the moment mom says it, you feel the pain of the previous fight catching up to you. You just clench your teeth.

* * *

 

   “He has cut deep into the nerves, you may never be able to use your right hand as before” mom says while cleaning and bandaging it, the rubbing alcohol stinging the wound but you don’t even shiver. You barely catch her words as you are spaced out.

Indra, Marcus and Bellamy were discussing something and glancing at you from time to time. Octavia and Lincoln went to get the people you led away from the fighting. There weren’t many losses, but a loss is a loss and still deserves to be mourned. People were helping each other, giving out water, scrubbing dried blood from their fingers. A heavy silence fell in the camp.

   “It’s good that I am left handed then” you offer, trying to dissipate the melancholy.

   “What happened?” mom tries but you just shake your head. No, not now.

   “I’d rather not talk how I killed yet another person” your voice is hard and lifeless.

   “It was you or him, Clarke. Survival. Don’t forget about that” she tries to calm you down, to soothe you. Maybe it would have helped at some point in the past, but now it’s too late.

   “That sounds easy enough of a choice; try killing about 300 people while convincing yourself you’re doing just that” you didn’t want to but you sounded bitter. You bite your tongue.

Mom says nothing for a while and you have said enough to let her know you don’t want to talk about it. Not now, maybe never. You sit in silence for about 20 minutes. You see from the corner of your eye that Indra, Marcus and Bellamy are coming your way.

   “Indra says we wait for the Commander, then go to TonDC. We’ll be safer there” Kane says simply.

   “Is this a good idea? Won’t we get ambushed again? Everyone is tired right now too” mom looks up at him, then at Indra.

   “Tomorrow, Chancellor” Indra explains. “You are right, the Sky People now are too tired after the fight, they need rest. I sent a word to TonDC, told them to be expecting us tomorrow morning”.

   “We need to spread the word then” mom sighs. “Post guards on watch, more of them, tell the others to rest. We will get ready in the morning”.

   “Understood” Kane and Bellamy nod and are gone in seconds to inform people of further plans.

   “There is not much to take anyways” she looks up at the remains of the Ark and for a second her eyes brim with unshed tears but she blinks them right away.

   “Mom, you should rest too, it’s been a long night” you say as you put your bandaged hand on hers. You know her, you know she’s just as terrified as you, maybe even more.

   “I doubt I will be able to sleep” she says while yawning, as if the exhaustion just caught up with her. “But I will try. You too” she says standing up “try to get some rest, too”.

   “I will be fine” you answer dismissively.

* * *

 

You’ve gone around the camp, telling people to rest, helping the injured to lie down. You were tired, too tired to sleep, too many thoughts in your head. Now you were staring at the flames of the fire in front of you, sitting on the hard ground. Will you be okay? What is the Ice Nation planning? Where is Lexa?

   “Hey” Bellamy says carefully and sits down near you, bumping his shoulder into yours.

   “Hey” you answer.

   “It’s weird, huh?” he asks finally.

   “What is?” you’re not sure what he’s talking about.

   “That the world just doesn’t want to stay fixed. One war ends, another begins” his words are followed by a short laugh but you know that Bellamy doesn’t find it funny, nor is he joking.

   “Sometimes I wish I got floated” you confess. “When we were still up on the Ark. Sometimes I wish I have rather died then and there”. You continue to stare at the fire.

   “Same” he sighs. “But you know, when I think of it, just imagine the people we love making all these decisions. I wouldn’t want them to experience something like this”.

Bellamy is right, tough decisions would still need to be made, if not by you, then by others. Your gaze shifts to your feet as you try to imagine that. No, rather you than them, they don’t deserve it.

   “Lincoln, are you fine?” you hear Bellamy ask and then notice Lincoln and Octavia settling down on the ground on the other side of the fire.

   “Minor scratches” he says bravely. “Nothing too serious, but these _Azgeda_ were not fooling around” he looks right at you.

   “Do you know them? I have only heard bits and pieces about the Ice Nation” says Bellamy.

  “The _Azgeda_ is the most brutal clan” you hear Octavia’s voice break the silence. “The only thing stopping them was the Coalition” she finishes.

   “And the Coalition is no more” you state in a dry voice.

   “Nice. Just how much trouble we can get into?” Bellamy asks rhetorically.

* * *

 

You hear silent footsteps behind you. They are almost impossible to hear but you know. Everyone’s eyes get colder as they shift their gazes elsewhere. Octavia’s eyes are different, there’s rage and fire inside them, she is blatantly staring at the one behind your back. You don’t need to turn around to know who it is; you’ll know these footsteps anywhere.

   “We just got attacked” you say without turning around.

   “I know” Lexa says. “We captured one of them”.

**Author's Note:**

> Come chill or chat (or both) on tumblr, I am clexas-love-child :)


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